It takes 21 days to form a habbit.
I wrote this on my chalkboard in my kitchen. About two hours later I realized I spelled haBit wrong, erased it, and wrote "21 days." Erasing it seemed easier than trying to figure out if the word "habit" had one B or two. Then I realized that it was a perfect example of how I constantly take the easy way out, and avoid hard work needed to create positive healthy habits in my. And so I googled the correct spelling as I started writing and here we are.
Ive heard before that its some kind of proven fact that forming a habit takes 21 days. I read it again somewehere recently, and it got me thinking. ThInking about all the things I have avoided or given up on because it was hard work. Or required patience. I crave immediate gratification and hate waiting to see results, or change. And I thought about all the things I have missed out on because I couldnt wait the 21 days. I couldnt push myself to stick out something that is uncomfortable or makes me work for it. I wasnt able develop healthy habits because those are the ones that are the most difficult. And the most rewarding.
And so, I decided to try something to begin to put a stop to my procrastinator/avoider self. I decided that 21 days isnt THAT long and maybe I would try to test this 21 day theory and see if I could form a new habit. It is a proven fact, right?
So lately I had been feeling like I had put on one too many pounds and was not at all comfortable about my body. In fact, I was disgusted. Ive always enjoyed the fact that I was always the "skinny friend that eats lile shit and never exercises" friend. There are only a rare few times in my life when I felt too heavy or unattractive. So this new development of weight gain was not welcomed. And it was a suprise. Never saw it coming.
My best friend (who works out religiously and eats healthy) always griped about me remaining super skinny as I ate anything I wanted to and never worked out. She used to tell me that my metabolism would slow down or my bad food choices would catch up with me. Well maybe it was turning 28, or drinking too much or getting minimal to zero exercise......but here I am. So, I decided to test my theory on making a habit of exercising daily. My only requirement was that I do at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio and some kind of strength building exercise. Today is day #4.
Of course when I started i wanted to rush through to the results, so Day #1 I ran with petey way past my limits, and then I tried to pretend I was super ripped and attempted this insane workout video that I could barely even perform the moves. And when I couldnt do that, I wanted to "complete" an exercise so I did a Jillian Michaels "6 pack in 6 weeks video." And then I was dead. And super sore the next day. And completely dreading any type of movement or healthy habit. I was frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
Day #1 and I was over it. Over the work and uncomfort. But, I reluctantly thought about why I started my challenge, and sucked it up. Day # 2 I took a walk......and grumbled my way through some ab exercises and baby push ups. I felt better after I muddled through. Day #3 came and I was able to convince myself that If I did what I needed to do, I would allow myself to indulge with a few drinks and yummy food. Its all about balance, righr? And today on day #4, I told myself that I walked enough today at work and was allowed to skip strength workout. That I was allowed to give in to my bad habit of taking the easy way out. Rationalize that my long/late day at work and lack of sleep the night before equaled NOT doing anyhing hard.
And then I suprised myself. I got home with intentions to take my dog for a very quick walk outside (it was raining after all), but instead I found myself walking our "required" route in the rain with a little sprint at the end. And THEN I tried the Jillian Michaels video again, and made it farther than I did the last time. And although Im now sitting here with a glass of wine in my hand, I feel pretty damn proud. And maybe tomorrow wont be so great, or maybe I will continue to suprise myself.
Maybe 21 days wont be so bad. And maybe I can form a new ha it.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The grey area.
Why are we so uncomfortable in the grey? Its uncertain. Fuzzy. A place where insecurities grow and the lines of concrete rational facts become blurred. Perhaps a place where swirls live.
My whole life, I hated the grey. Despised it. Wished the grey didnt exist. I liked things in a box. I liked things I could see and feel. The facts. Something solid. Stable. Something certain. Something that I could know that without a doubt, was true. Black and white.
What Ive realized over the last year......is that black and white appeared safe. The concrete box with a bow on it was appealing. It was appealing because it gave me a sense of security and comfort. The box allowed mee to live in a world where everything was certain. And if anything came along that threatened my solid lines and black and white box, i rejected it. Rejected the feelings that come with uncertainty.The worry, anxiety, fear. Because those feelings suck. They are uncomfortable and can end in hurt....disapointment.....rejection......sadness. And so I stuck with my box and black and white thinking.
And over a year ago, my concrete solid box blew up and glittered the sky with all the shades of grey. When I broke off my engagement and fell in love with a woman, my whole life was shattered into a million peices of grey uncertaintity. I hated the grey even more than I ever had before. I thought I had my whole life figured out, and BAM, I knew nothing. I had no clue what I wanted. I had no clue who I was. Was I gay, straight, bisexual? Did I want a safe box or an exciting adventure? Did I want kids....a family? Was I responsible or spontaeous? Was I both? Did I want all of the things I thought I worked towards my entire life......or did I want something I never imagined? I had no clue. I was lost in the grey.
And now, I find myself thriving in the grey. So strange. The grey that i avoided and rejected for so long, has become a place of excitement. A place where anything is possible. The grey is now the place that feels safe. Because before, when I thought my life was solid and concrere, it shattered into a mess of disapointment and loss. And now, the grey is the only thing I can count on. The only thing I am sure of, is that everything is unsure. Everything is uncertain and everything changes. Life is grey. Always. Full of transitions and life altering moments. Its full of suprises and unexpected heartbreak. And I think if we embrace the grey, we find that life is also full of unexpected joy and suprising fufillment. Living life on the blurry, fuzzy lines, is the only way to find ourselves and experiences that change us forever. We can choose to live in the grey and flourish.
"Change is inevitable, progress is optional."
Why are we so uncomfortable in the grey? Its uncertain. Fuzzy. A place where insecurities grow and the lines of concrete rational facts become blurred. Perhaps a place where swirls live.
My whole life, I hated the grey. Despised it. Wished the grey didnt exist. I liked things in a box. I liked things I could see and feel. The facts. Something solid. Stable. Something certain. Something that I could know that without a doubt, was true. Black and white.
What Ive realized over the last year......is that black and white appeared safe. The concrete box with a bow on it was appealing. It was appealing because it gave me a sense of security and comfort. The box allowed mee to live in a world where everything was certain. And if anything came along that threatened my solid lines and black and white box, i rejected it. Rejected the feelings that come with uncertainty.The worry, anxiety, fear. Because those feelings suck. They are uncomfortable and can end in hurt....disapointment.....rejection......sadness. And so I stuck with my box and black and white thinking.
And over a year ago, my concrete solid box blew up and glittered the sky with all the shades of grey. When I broke off my engagement and fell in love with a woman, my whole life was shattered into a million peices of grey uncertaintity. I hated the grey even more than I ever had before. I thought I had my whole life figured out, and BAM, I knew nothing. I had no clue what I wanted. I had no clue who I was. Was I gay, straight, bisexual? Did I want a safe box or an exciting adventure? Did I want kids....a family? Was I responsible or spontaeous? Was I both? Did I want all of the things I thought I worked towards my entire life......or did I want something I never imagined? I had no clue. I was lost in the grey.
And now, I find myself thriving in the grey. So strange. The grey that i avoided and rejected for so long, has become a place of excitement. A place where anything is possible. The grey is now the place that feels safe. Because before, when I thought my life was solid and concrere, it shattered into a mess of disapointment and loss. And now, the grey is the only thing I can count on. The only thing I am sure of, is that everything is unsure. Everything is uncertain and everything changes. Life is grey. Always. Full of transitions and life altering moments. Its full of suprises and unexpected heartbreak. And I think if we embrace the grey, we find that life is also full of unexpected joy and suprising fufillment. Living life on the blurry, fuzzy lines, is the only way to find ourselves and experiences that change us forever. We can choose to live in the grey and flourish.
"Change is inevitable, progress is optional."
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
"Either put it on the table or under the rug."
My friend recently gave me this analogy and it got me thinking......when do we decide to put things "on the table" or instead choose to sweep it "under the rug?" I think this analogy can be applied to a wide variety of situations. Maybe we are choosing to speak or minds at work.....or simply keep our mouth shut to keep our job. Maybe we are choosing to communicate something of importance to our partner.....or let it go to avoid a fight or argument. Or maybe its choosing to tell the waitress we did NOT want tomato on our sandwich.....or just remove the tomato ourself so we dont risk annoying the waitress.
In all those situations, how do we decide if we speak up, communicate, stand our ground.....or keep our thoughts to ourself? I think putting it "under the rug" can serve a purpose, but its more immediate kind of benefits. You avoid work drama, an argument with a partner, or discomfort of the waitress rolling her eyes when you return the food. Sweeping it under the rug is avoidance. My mother always told me to "pick my battles" and basically that its not worth mentioning every little thing that bothers us. That we need to let go of some things and choose the moments when we take a stand or express ourself. Now that I think about it, thats a very powerful statement. It implies that only SOME of our thoughts and feelings are valid and worth being heard. It implies that its better to avoid than to confront. Better to smush our thoughts and feelings down to avoid. We may get temporary relief by avoidance, but ultimately, the thing is still under the rug. And the more we hide under the rug, the bigger it gets, and inevitably it spills out. Or we trip in the bump on the rug.
For me, Ive always been a master avoider. Ive perfected the art of avoiding all things uncomfortable or anxiety provoking. And although it provided immediate relief, it has ultimately led me to avoid life. Avoid risks. Avoid pain. But in the process, I also avoided happiness and fufillment. And over the last year or so, Ive tried to put myself out there more. Take risks. Stand my ground. Speak my mind. Be honest with myself and others. And in return, the universe has rewarded me with new experiences and feelings of joy I never had before. So, I guess, I started putting everything on the table. And I tried to stop being so hard on myself for what happened after I "put it on the table." Sometimes, when you put things on the table, people eat it. Or they push it away. Or ignore it. Or throw it on the floor.
I guess for me, Ive decided its better to take the risk and the discomfort of putting it on the table. Its better than hiding things under the rug to creep out later. So, what will you put on the table today?
My friend recently gave me this analogy and it got me thinking......when do we decide to put things "on the table" or instead choose to sweep it "under the rug?" I think this analogy can be applied to a wide variety of situations. Maybe we are choosing to speak or minds at work.....or simply keep our mouth shut to keep our job. Maybe we are choosing to communicate something of importance to our partner.....or let it go to avoid a fight or argument. Or maybe its choosing to tell the waitress we did NOT want tomato on our sandwich.....or just remove the tomato ourself so we dont risk annoying the waitress.
In all those situations, how do we decide if we speak up, communicate, stand our ground.....or keep our thoughts to ourself? I think putting it "under the rug" can serve a purpose, but its more immediate kind of benefits. You avoid work drama, an argument with a partner, or discomfort of the waitress rolling her eyes when you return the food. Sweeping it under the rug is avoidance. My mother always told me to "pick my battles" and basically that its not worth mentioning every little thing that bothers us. That we need to let go of some things and choose the moments when we take a stand or express ourself. Now that I think about it, thats a very powerful statement. It implies that only SOME of our thoughts and feelings are valid and worth being heard. It implies that its better to avoid than to confront. Better to smush our thoughts and feelings down to avoid. We may get temporary relief by avoidance, but ultimately, the thing is still under the rug. And the more we hide under the rug, the bigger it gets, and inevitably it spills out. Or we trip in the bump on the rug.
For me, Ive always been a master avoider. Ive perfected the art of avoiding all things uncomfortable or anxiety provoking. And although it provided immediate relief, it has ultimately led me to avoid life. Avoid risks. Avoid pain. But in the process, I also avoided happiness and fufillment. And over the last year or so, Ive tried to put myself out there more. Take risks. Stand my ground. Speak my mind. Be honest with myself and others. And in return, the universe has rewarded me with new experiences and feelings of joy I never had before. So, I guess, I started putting everything on the table. And I tried to stop being so hard on myself for what happened after I "put it on the table." Sometimes, when you put things on the table, people eat it. Or they push it away. Or ignore it. Or throw it on the floor.
I guess for me, Ive decided its better to take the risk and the discomfort of putting it on the table. Its better than hiding things under the rug to creep out later. So, what will you put on the table today?
Monday, June 10, 2013
Recently, in my job as a therapist, I have felt complacent and apathetic at times. However, we recently had 2 interns start working with us. It has been a bizarre experience. Someone else taking notes on what I say. Someone else watching my "counselor skills" and hoping to learn what its like in the "real world." Someone else that seems so fresh and motivated and eager to learn the ropes.
Suddenly I felt less-than. I felt like an imposter. Like someone trying to be a therapist. Trying to be therapeutic all the time. Pretending to put on my counselor hat and apply all my so called "skills" so this intern would see how magnicifant and fufilling this field should be.
I started spending some time with this eager, motivated, bright eyed intern. It became a thought provoking and inspiring interaction. She was so excited. So invested and in the moment. So therapeutic and wanting to change lives. She came to me one day about an idea for group. She came to me akward, excited, nervous, and very much looking for my approval.
She presented an idea to me about a group she wanted to do with the kids. A group inspired by a TED talk she had seen. When i told her i had never heard of TED talks she was shocked and immediately gushed about the inspiring people they showcase. The one she wanted to use for group was titled "everything I need to know about life I learned in a mental hospital." It was about the "superman capes" we all wear daily. Capes that hide whats really going on with us. Masks. It was about the automated response we give people when they ask, "How are you"....."fine how are you?" The video talked about the face we present the world and the inner demons we struggle with. The things we hide under our capes.
In the video the speaker mentioned one of her heroes, Brene Brown, who coincidentally had recently become one of my favorite authors/researchers/motivational gurus. I had read two of her books, "The gifts of Imperfection," & "I thought it was just me") after they were lovingly given to me from a friend that told me they changed her life. I kept those books for months and months after I borrowed them, not ready to give back the inspiring messages and thought provoking research. Reluctantly, I gave back the borrowed books and in turn, pushed the messages and thoughts to the shelf labeled "dont go there" in my head.
After hearing her name mentioned again during this TED talk, I instantly watched a video of Brene Brown. For those of you unfamiliar, Brene is a shame researcher. She has documented years of research on shame, which she refers to as the "epidemic" of our country. In the video, she discussed a topic in her book that had resonated personally with me in the past. The difference between shame and guilt. Shame is "im a bad person," where guilt is "I made a bad choice." Guilt has been proven to produce behavior change where shame only causes more bad behavior and thinking. Shame in fact, has been linked directly to depression, anxiety and an ongoing cycle of unhealthy choices.
The idea of shame vs guilt had been new to me and I had an "AH HA!" moment when I realized I never felt guilt in the past, only shame storms. My shame storms had consistently ruled my life and contributed to feeling less than and not good enough which in turn led to poor choices and unhealthy behaviors. Ironically, after understanding the role of shame in my life, I put it back in a secret shameful box, and forgot about it. Until today. And I got to thinking, why am I still letting shame consume me? After all, I had all the facts and read all the research that shame was unhealthy and detrimental. Why couldnt I stop feeling bad about myself and simply choose to throw shame away and embrace myself with love and self acceptance?
"The questions are complicated but the anwser is simple." (Dr. Suess) The anwser is that self acceptance is hard and we dont want to believe we are good enough. Because we train ourselves for years and years to hate and judge ourselves. We spend years trying to impress people and present to the world our protective "capes" and "masks" because its easier than being vulnerable and exposed. We spend years trying to conform to society and the norms set within our own families. We spend years trying to gain acceptance from EVERYONE around us when ultimately, the one person we crave and need acceptance from..... is ourself.
Everyday, I struggle with my own shame. Feelings of shame, worthlessness, insecurities and feeling less than. Most days I call all of those things "having a bad day" or "being hard on myself." But the reality is that those feelings infilitrate every aspect of my life every day. Im not good enough. Im not a good enough therapist, lover, friend, daughter or sister. Im not worthy of good things because "Im a bad person." (Shame) . Im a bad person because Im emotional, and swirly and insecure. Bad because Im messy and dont close cabinets or dresser drawers. Im bad because I dont pay my bills on time and struggle financially. Im bad because I dont see my nephew as much as I should or call my father regularly. Bad because I made poor, hurtful decisions in the past that affected people I loved. The list goes on and on.
I think we all struggle with those shame storms and for each of us, the shame comes from different histories and messages we recieved as children. From parents, teachers, peers and relationships. And although our shame may come from different places, the solution is the same. Brene identifies the antedote for shame as empathy and vulnerability. The cure for shame is embracing vulnerability and taking emotional risks. Exposing ourselves. Embracing uncertaintity. And having the courage to tell our stories.
One of my favorite quotes from Brene Is "owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." Although I attempted to "own" my story and share it with loved ones, I realize more now than ever, I need to make myself even more vulnerable. Take emotional risks and expose myself. AND find a way to love and accept myself through that process. For me, that means finding one small thing a day that I can love and accept about myself and my story. And today, I choose to leave all the cabinet and dress drawers open. And smile and laugh at myself every time I almost break a leg or bang my head against it. Because maybe, maybe leaving things open is part of who I am and represent something philisophical like I have an open mind and heart. Or, perhaps Im lazy and enjoy the potential for hurting myself with open doors. Or I have a hard time with "closure." But, that sounds like Im leaning back into shame and negative thinking, so, for today, I choose to leave all the doors open. And love and accept that about myself.
What do you choose to love and accept about yourself today?
Suddenly I felt less-than. I felt like an imposter. Like someone trying to be a therapist. Trying to be therapeutic all the time. Pretending to put on my counselor hat and apply all my so called "skills" so this intern would see how magnicifant and fufilling this field should be.
I started spending some time with this eager, motivated, bright eyed intern. It became a thought provoking and inspiring interaction. She was so excited. So invested and in the moment. So therapeutic and wanting to change lives. She came to me one day about an idea for group. She came to me akward, excited, nervous, and very much looking for my approval.
She presented an idea to me about a group she wanted to do with the kids. A group inspired by a TED talk she had seen. When i told her i had never heard of TED talks she was shocked and immediately gushed about the inspiring people they showcase. The one she wanted to use for group was titled "everything I need to know about life I learned in a mental hospital." It was about the "superman capes" we all wear daily. Capes that hide whats really going on with us. Masks. It was about the automated response we give people when they ask, "How are you"....."fine how are you?" The video talked about the face we present the world and the inner demons we struggle with. The things we hide under our capes.
In the video the speaker mentioned one of her heroes, Brene Brown, who coincidentally had recently become one of my favorite authors/researchers/motivational gurus. I had read two of her books, "The gifts of Imperfection," & "I thought it was just me") after they were lovingly given to me from a friend that told me they changed her life. I kept those books for months and months after I borrowed them, not ready to give back the inspiring messages and thought provoking research. Reluctantly, I gave back the borrowed books and in turn, pushed the messages and thoughts to the shelf labeled "dont go there" in my head.
After hearing her name mentioned again during this TED talk, I instantly watched a video of Brene Brown. For those of you unfamiliar, Brene is a shame researcher. She has documented years of research on shame, which she refers to as the "epidemic" of our country. In the video, she discussed a topic in her book that had resonated personally with me in the past. The difference between shame and guilt. Shame is "im a bad person," where guilt is "I made a bad choice." Guilt has been proven to produce behavior change where shame only causes more bad behavior and thinking. Shame in fact, has been linked directly to depression, anxiety and an ongoing cycle of unhealthy choices.
The idea of shame vs guilt had been new to me and I had an "AH HA!" moment when I realized I never felt guilt in the past, only shame storms. My shame storms had consistently ruled my life and contributed to feeling less than and not good enough which in turn led to poor choices and unhealthy behaviors. Ironically, after understanding the role of shame in my life, I put it back in a secret shameful box, and forgot about it. Until today. And I got to thinking, why am I still letting shame consume me? After all, I had all the facts and read all the research that shame was unhealthy and detrimental. Why couldnt I stop feeling bad about myself and simply choose to throw shame away and embrace myself with love and self acceptance?
"The questions are complicated but the anwser is simple." (Dr. Suess) The anwser is that self acceptance is hard and we dont want to believe we are good enough. Because we train ourselves for years and years to hate and judge ourselves. We spend years trying to impress people and present to the world our protective "capes" and "masks" because its easier than being vulnerable and exposed. We spend years trying to conform to society and the norms set within our own families. We spend years trying to gain acceptance from EVERYONE around us when ultimately, the one person we crave and need acceptance from..... is ourself.
Everyday, I struggle with my own shame. Feelings of shame, worthlessness, insecurities and feeling less than. Most days I call all of those things "having a bad day" or "being hard on myself." But the reality is that those feelings infilitrate every aspect of my life every day. Im not good enough. Im not a good enough therapist, lover, friend, daughter or sister. Im not worthy of good things because "Im a bad person." (Shame) . Im a bad person because Im emotional, and swirly and insecure. Bad because Im messy and dont close cabinets or dresser drawers. Im bad because I dont pay my bills on time and struggle financially. Im bad because I dont see my nephew as much as I should or call my father regularly. Bad because I made poor, hurtful decisions in the past that affected people I loved. The list goes on and on.
I think we all struggle with those shame storms and for each of us, the shame comes from different histories and messages we recieved as children. From parents, teachers, peers and relationships. And although our shame may come from different places, the solution is the same. Brene identifies the antedote for shame as empathy and vulnerability. The cure for shame is embracing vulnerability and taking emotional risks. Exposing ourselves. Embracing uncertaintity. And having the courage to tell our stories.
One of my favorite quotes from Brene Is "owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." Although I attempted to "own" my story and share it with loved ones, I realize more now than ever, I need to make myself even more vulnerable. Take emotional risks and expose myself. AND find a way to love and accept myself through that process. For me, that means finding one small thing a day that I can love and accept about myself and my story. And today, I choose to leave all the cabinet and dress drawers open. And smile and laugh at myself every time I almost break a leg or bang my head against it. Because maybe, maybe leaving things open is part of who I am and represent something philisophical like I have an open mind and heart. Or, perhaps Im lazy and enjoy the potential for hurting myself with open doors. Or I have a hard time with "closure." But, that sounds like Im leaning back into shame and negative thinking, so, for today, I choose to leave all the doors open. And love and accept that about myself.
What do you choose to love and accept about yourself today?
Friday, June 7, 2013
My intention in writing has always been honesty. Exposure. Revealing my true self. And I feel strongly that although my history does not define me, it has shaped and molded me im ways that even I cannot begin to understand. So, I think its only fair I provide a little history of my experiences that have led me to my life today.
The last year and a half of my life has been more influencial than any other time period I have experienced. Sure, the teenage years and the beginning of "adulthood" were tough, but ultimately they were nothing compared to the earth shattering, mind blowing, life altering phase I recently encountered over the past 1 1/2 years.
I am going to attempt to summarize this time the best I can to provide a foundation for the growth and change I have experienced during this time.
In december of 2011, I was in a seemingly stable and exciting time in my life. I was working at my ideal job, just bought a house, and was engaged to my partner of 8 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life. My life was wrapped up in a pretty little box with a bow on it. That month, I endured something that would forever change my life. I fell in love with a woman. I called off my wedding and my entire life as I knew it was changed. I spent the next 8 months of my life attempting to grieve the loss of my relationship and the life I had built. I spent time exploring my new found sexuality and exploring what it meant to me to be in love with a woman. For months, the word "gay" or "lesbian" felt taboo. It felt wrong and uncomfortable. I wasnt gay and I wasnt straight. I tried on the label of "bisexual" but ultimately that never fit either.
I became consumed with this woman that had changed my life. We began to build our own life together. In the blink of an eye, I had introduced her to my family and friends. We moved in together and talked about our future of marriage and babies. I thought I was starting a chapter of a very new, different life.
Rapidly, that relationship deteriorated with hurtful lies and misconceptions. The new partner I perceived as my soulmate, the person that completely turned my life upside down, turned out to be the most difficult life lesson. Within a month, my "new" life was again completely turned upside down. I was lost, confused, heartbroken and down right angry.
I spent the next few months struggling and barely functioning through life. I was a hot mess. I temporarily stayed with my just married best friend and I leaned on my closest friends and family for support. I will forever be more grateful than words can express for the support i recieved during that time in my life. I was especially lucky to have one person that was a constant support during my swirls and need to process. The universe must have taken some pity on me because through that break up, I developed a forever friendship with the one person that could relate to my experience like no one else could. Someone from the same island that jumped in the life raft with me.
Day by day, I moved from barely functioning to survivng. I moved from drowning to treading water. And eventually I started swimming again. My very loving, supportive but "deal with it and move on" sisters told me I only had one year from the time of my original downfall to "get my shit together." They very lovingly told me that I needed to make good choices, move on, and get my shit together. No more wallowing. No more avoiding or making excuses. Time to accept where I was at in my life and make concrete changes to better my future and my self.
And so I did. I got my shit together. I moved into my own apartment. (About a mile from my best friend). I got my dog back.I started taking care of myself again and didnt spent every waking moment dwelling on the past and the misery i had encountered over the last year. I reclaimed restaurants and songs that reminded me of previous relationships. I re-invested myself in work and started to take steps towards future goals. I spent time with loved ones and started to re define my own life. Just for me. Redefined what it meant to be single at age 28. Redefined my entire life and what I thought it was "supposed" to look like. I started dating someone amazing and allowed myself to open my heart again to new people and experiences. I started to flourish.
And now, on this day, I continue to flourish. I also continue to struggle with my sexuality, my choices, and the life I am trying to build for myself.For everyday I make progress, I take 2 steps.....sometimes 10 steps back. And then I take a leap forward. I try to fight avoidance and apathy and move towards motivation and fufillment. Every day, I attempt to balance friends, family, work and a new relationship. I attempt to process my insecurities and isssues, and I try to take tiny minature steps towards something better. Steps to accept myself and where i am at in this exact moment, and steps to overcome avoidance and the easy way out. I want it all, and I know I am completely in charge of that and deserve that. So, one day at a time....one minute one second at a time I walk towards that. I walk towards acceptance and setbacks and goals...and my future.
Who wants to join me?
The last year and a half of my life has been more influencial than any other time period I have experienced. Sure, the teenage years and the beginning of "adulthood" were tough, but ultimately they were nothing compared to the earth shattering, mind blowing, life altering phase I recently encountered over the past 1 1/2 years.
I am going to attempt to summarize this time the best I can to provide a foundation for the growth and change I have experienced during this time.
In december of 2011, I was in a seemingly stable and exciting time in my life. I was working at my ideal job, just bought a house, and was engaged to my partner of 8 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life. My life was wrapped up in a pretty little box with a bow on it. That month, I endured something that would forever change my life. I fell in love with a woman. I called off my wedding and my entire life as I knew it was changed. I spent the next 8 months of my life attempting to grieve the loss of my relationship and the life I had built. I spent time exploring my new found sexuality and exploring what it meant to me to be in love with a woman. For months, the word "gay" or "lesbian" felt taboo. It felt wrong and uncomfortable. I wasnt gay and I wasnt straight. I tried on the label of "bisexual" but ultimately that never fit either.
I became consumed with this woman that had changed my life. We began to build our own life together. In the blink of an eye, I had introduced her to my family and friends. We moved in together and talked about our future of marriage and babies. I thought I was starting a chapter of a very new, different life.
Rapidly, that relationship deteriorated with hurtful lies and misconceptions. The new partner I perceived as my soulmate, the person that completely turned my life upside down, turned out to be the most difficult life lesson. Within a month, my "new" life was again completely turned upside down. I was lost, confused, heartbroken and down right angry.
I spent the next few months struggling and barely functioning through life. I was a hot mess. I temporarily stayed with my just married best friend and I leaned on my closest friends and family for support. I will forever be more grateful than words can express for the support i recieved during that time in my life. I was especially lucky to have one person that was a constant support during my swirls and need to process. The universe must have taken some pity on me because through that break up, I developed a forever friendship with the one person that could relate to my experience like no one else could. Someone from the same island that jumped in the life raft with me.
Day by day, I moved from barely functioning to survivng. I moved from drowning to treading water. And eventually I started swimming again. My very loving, supportive but "deal with it and move on" sisters told me I only had one year from the time of my original downfall to "get my shit together." They very lovingly told me that I needed to make good choices, move on, and get my shit together. No more wallowing. No more avoiding or making excuses. Time to accept where I was at in my life and make concrete changes to better my future and my self.
And so I did. I got my shit together. I moved into my own apartment. (About a mile from my best friend). I got my dog back.I started taking care of myself again and didnt spent every waking moment dwelling on the past and the misery i had encountered over the last year. I reclaimed restaurants and songs that reminded me of previous relationships. I re-invested myself in work and started to take steps towards future goals. I spent time with loved ones and started to re define my own life. Just for me. Redefined what it meant to be single at age 28. Redefined my entire life and what I thought it was "supposed" to look like. I started dating someone amazing and allowed myself to open my heart again to new people and experiences. I started to flourish.
And now, on this day, I continue to flourish. I also continue to struggle with my sexuality, my choices, and the life I am trying to build for myself.For everyday I make progress, I take 2 steps.....sometimes 10 steps back. And then I take a leap forward. I try to fight avoidance and apathy and move towards motivation and fufillment. Every day, I attempt to balance friends, family, work and a new relationship. I attempt to process my insecurities and isssues, and I try to take tiny minature steps towards something better. Steps to accept myself and where i am at in this exact moment, and steps to overcome avoidance and the easy way out. I want it all, and I know I am completely in charge of that and deserve that. So, one day at a time....one minute one second at a time I walk towards that. I walk towards acceptance and setbacks and goals...and my future.
Who wants to join me?
So, I have often thought about starting a blog. And then, I would think to myself, "what the hell would I blog about? What do I have to say that people want to hear? What makes ME qualified? What am I an expert in? What words of wisdom do I have to share? And what would my super awesome blogger name be?"
Well. The anwser to all of those questions is....I dont know. But, I do know I have plenty of thoughts and opinions that I want to share with the world. And Im pretty sure Im as "qualified" as any blogger out there. You know why? Im human. And my life experiences are relatable. And entertaining. So, the purpose of this blog? To share my experiences and my hilarities. To express myself. To expose my inner thoughts and experiences. Its a blog about honesty. Learning. Growing. Sharing. Life and love and maybe some crafts. And wine :)
Im not really sure if I got my "blogger" username/identification/label/title right......but I went with "swirlymotivation." Heres why: Ive always been swirly but never quite had the word for it until recently. "Swirly" in the past has been defined by my family as "kathleen mode." It means irrational. A swirl of thoughts and feelings. Hyperness and inattention. Avoidng the truth and concrete facts. Being emotional and overly dramatic. Exaggerating. Silly. Feeling like my brain is in swirls although there is something concrete and solid in the foundation. Swirly is when i experience something and dive into it head first. Swirly is letting every emotion and thought consume me. Its insecurities and its giving into being vulnerable and exposed. The "motivation" part was a ploy on my end to convince myself and potential readers that a narrative of my experiences are motivating, relatable and inspiring.
So, this is the start. The start of sharing. The start of a challenge and adventure. The start of putting myself out there. The start of a new chapter. Join me :)
Well. The anwser to all of those questions is....I dont know. But, I do know I have plenty of thoughts and opinions that I want to share with the world. And Im pretty sure Im as "qualified" as any blogger out there. You know why? Im human. And my life experiences are relatable. And entertaining. So, the purpose of this blog? To share my experiences and my hilarities. To express myself. To expose my inner thoughts and experiences. Its a blog about honesty. Learning. Growing. Sharing. Life and love and maybe some crafts. And wine :)
Im not really sure if I got my "blogger" username/identification/label/title right......but I went with "swirlymotivation." Heres why: Ive always been swirly but never quite had the word for it until recently. "Swirly" in the past has been defined by my family as "kathleen mode." It means irrational. A swirl of thoughts and feelings. Hyperness and inattention. Avoidng the truth and concrete facts. Being emotional and overly dramatic. Exaggerating. Silly. Feeling like my brain is in swirls although there is something concrete and solid in the foundation. Swirly is when i experience something and dive into it head first. Swirly is letting every emotion and thought consume me. Its insecurities and its giving into being vulnerable and exposed. The "motivation" part was a ploy on my end to convince myself and potential readers that a narrative of my experiences are motivating, relatable and inspiring.
So, this is the start. The start of sharing. The start of a challenge and adventure. The start of putting myself out there. The start of a new chapter. Join me :)
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