My intention in writing has always been honesty. Exposure. Revealing my true self. And I feel strongly that although my history does not define me, it has shaped and molded me im ways that even I cannot begin to understand. So, I think its only fair I provide a little history of my experiences that have led me to my life today.

The last year and a half of my life has  been more influencial than any other time period I have experienced. Sure,  the teenage years and the beginning of "adulthood" were tough, but ultimately they were nothing compared to the earth shattering, mind blowing, life altering phase I recently encountered over the past 1 1/2 years.

I am going to attempt to summarize this time the best I can to provide a foundation for the growth and change I have experienced during this time.

In december of 2011, I was in a seemingly stable and exciting time in my life. I was working at my ideal job, just bought a house, and was engaged to my partner of 8 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life. My life was wrapped up in a pretty little box with a bow on it. That month, I endured something that would forever change my life. I fell in love with a woman. I called off my wedding and my entire life as I knew it was changed. I spent the next 8 months of my life attempting to grieve the loss of my relationship and the life I had built. I spent time exploring my new found sexuality and exploring what it meant to me to be in love with a woman. For months, the word "gay" or "lesbian" felt taboo. It felt wrong and uncomfortable. I wasnt gay and I wasnt straight. I tried on the label of "bisexual" but ultimately that never fit either.

I became consumed with this woman that had changed my life. We began to build our own life together. In the blink of an eye, I had introduced her to my family and friends. We moved in together and talked about our future of marriage and babies. I thought I was starting a chapter of a very new, different life.

Rapidly, that relationship deteriorated with hurtful lies and misconceptions. The new partner I perceived as my soulmate, the person that completely turned my life upside down, turned out to be the most difficult life lesson. Within a month, my "new" life was again completely turned upside down. I was lost, confused, heartbroken and down right angry.

I spent the next few months struggling and barely functioning through life. I was a hot mess. I temporarily stayed with my just married best friend and I leaned on my closest friends and family for support. I will forever be more grateful than words can express for the support i recieved during that time in my life. I was especially lucky to have one person that was a constant support during my swirls and need to process. The universe must have taken some pity on me because through that break up, I developed a forever friendship with the one person that could relate to my experience like no one else could. Someone from the same island that jumped in the life raft with me.

Day by day, I moved from barely functioning to survivng. I moved from drowning to treading water. And eventually I started swimming again. My very loving, supportive but "deal with it and move on" sisters told me I only had one year from the time of my original downfall to "get my shit together." They very lovingly told me that I needed to make good choices, move on, and get my shit together. No more wallowing. No more avoiding or making excuses. Time to accept where I was at in my life and make concrete changes to better my future and my self.

And so I did. I got my shit together. I moved into my own apartment. (About a mile from my best friend). I got my dog back.I started taking care of myself again and didnt spent every waking moment dwelling on the past and the misery i had encountered over the last year. I reclaimed restaurants and songs that reminded me of previous relationships. I re-invested myself in work and started to take steps towards future goals. I spent time with loved ones and started to re define my own life. Just for me. Redefined what it meant to be single at age 28. Redefined my entire life and what I thought it was "supposed" to look like. I started dating someone amazing and allowed myself to open my heart again to new people and experiences. I started to flourish.

And now, on this day, I continue to flourish. I also continue to struggle with my sexuality, my choices, and the life I am trying to build for myself.For everyday I make progress, I take 2 steps.....sometimes 10 steps back. And then I take a leap forward. I try to fight avoidance and apathy and move towards motivation and fufillment. Every day, I attempt to balance friends, family, work and a new relationship. I attempt to process my insecurities and isssues, and I try to take tiny minature steps towards something better. Steps to accept myself and where i am at in this exact moment, and steps to overcome avoidance and the easy way out. I want it all, and I know I am completely in charge of that and deserve that. So, one day at a time....one minute one second at a time I walk towards that. I walk towards acceptance and setbacks and goals...and my future.

Who wants to join me?