Recently, in my job as a therapist, I have felt complacent and apathetic at times. However, we recently had 2 interns start working with us. It has been a bizarre experience. Someone else taking notes on what I say. Someone else watching my "counselor skills" and hoping to learn what its like in the "real world." Someone else that seems so fresh and motivated and eager to learn the ropes.

Suddenly I felt less-than. I felt like an imposter. Like someone trying to be a therapist. Trying to be therapeutic all the time. Pretending to put on my counselor hat and apply all my so called "skills" so this intern would see how magnicifant and fufilling this field should be.

I started spending some time with this eager, motivated, bright eyed intern. It became a thought provoking and inspiring interaction. She was so excited. So invested and in the moment. So therapeutic and wanting to change lives. She came to me one day about an idea for group. She came to me akward, excited, nervous, and very much looking for my approval.

She presented an idea to me about a group she wanted to do with the kids. A group inspired by a TED talk she had seen. When i told her i had never heard of TED talks she was shocked and immediately gushed about the inspiring people they showcase. The one she wanted to use for group was titled "everything I need to know about life I learned in a mental hospital." It was about the "superman capes" we all wear daily. Capes that hide whats really going on with us. Masks. It was about the automated response we give people when they ask, "How are you"....."fine how are you?" The video talked about the face we present the world and the inner demons we struggle with. The things we hide under our capes.

In the video the speaker mentioned one of her heroes, Brene Brown, who coincidentally had recently become one of my favorite authors/researchers/motivational gurus. I had read two of her books, "The gifts of Imperfection," & "I thought it was just me") after they were lovingly given to me from a friend that told me they changed her life. I kept those books for months and months after I borrowed them, not ready to give back the inspiring messages and thought provoking research. Reluctantly, I gave back the borrowed books and in turn, pushed the messages and thoughts to the shelf labeled "dont go there" in my head.

After hearing her name mentioned again during this TED talk, I instantly watched a video of Brene Brown. For those of you unfamiliar, Brene is a shame researcher. She has documented years of research on shame, which she refers to as the "epidemic" of our country. In the video, she discussed a topic in her book that had resonated personally with me in the past. The difference between shame and guilt. Shame is "im a bad person," where guilt is "I made a bad choice." Guilt has been proven to produce behavior change where shame only causes more bad behavior and thinking. Shame in fact, has been linked directly to depression, anxiety and an ongoing cycle of unhealthy choices.

The idea of shame vs guilt had been new to me and I had an "AH HA!"  moment when I realized I never felt guilt in the past, only shame storms. My shame storms had consistently ruled my life and contributed to feeling less than and not good enough which in turn led to poor choices and unhealthy behaviors. Ironically, after understanding the role of shame in my life, I put it back in a secret shameful box, and forgot about it. Until today. And I got to thinking, why am I still letting shame consume me? After all, I had all the facts and read all the research that shame was unhealthy and detrimental. Why couldnt I stop feeling bad about myself and simply choose to throw shame away and embrace myself with love and self acceptance?

"The questions are complicated but the anwser is simple." (Dr. Suess)  The anwser is that self acceptance is hard and we dont want to believe we are good enough. Because we train ourselves for years and years to hate and judge ourselves. We spend years trying to impress people and present to the world our protective "capes" and "masks" because its easier than being vulnerable and exposed. We spend years trying to conform to society and the norms set within our own families. We spend years trying to gain acceptance from EVERYONE around us when ultimately, the one person we crave and need acceptance from..... is ourself.

Everyday, I struggle with my own shame. Feelings of shame, worthlessness, insecurities and feeling less than. Most days I call all of those things "having a bad day" or "being hard on myself." But the reality is that those feelings infilitrate every aspect of my life every day. Im not good enough. Im not a good enough therapist, lover, friend, daughter or sister. Im not worthy of good things because "Im a bad person." (Shame) . Im a bad person because Im emotional, and swirly and insecure.  Bad because Im messy and dont close cabinets or dresser drawers. Im bad because I dont pay my bills on time and struggle financially. Im bad because I dont see my nephew as much as I should or call my father regularly. Bad because  I made poor, hurtful decisions in the past that affected people  I loved. The list goes on and on.

I think we all struggle with those shame storms and for each of us, the shame comes from different histories and messages we recieved as children. From parents, teachers, peers and relationships. And although our shame may come from different places, the solution is the same. Brene identifies the antedote for shame as empathy and vulnerability. The cure for shame is embracing vulnerability and taking emotional risks. Exposing ourselves. Embracing uncertaintity. And having the courage to tell our stories.

One of my favorite quotes from Brene Is "owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." Although I attempted to "own" my story and share it with loved ones, I realize more now than ever, I need to make myself even more vulnerable. Take emotional risks and expose myself. AND find a way to love and accept myself through that process. For me, that means finding one small thing a day that I can love and accept about myself and my story. And today, I choose to leave all the cabinet and dress drawers open.  And smile and laugh at myself every time I almost break a leg or bang my head against it. Because maybe, maybe leaving things open is part of who I am and represent something philisophical like I have an open mind and heart. Or, perhaps Im lazy and enjoy the potential for hurting myself with open doors. Or I have a hard time with "closure." But, that sounds like Im leaning back into shame and negative thinking, so, for today, I choose to leave all the doors open. And love and accept that about myself.

What do you choose to love and accept about yourself today?