Consequences.

Almost everyday, I tell the kids I work with that there are consequences to their behaviors. And that consequences can be good or bad. We always assume consequences are bad. It sounds bad. Consequences. But due to my educational background and knowledge of behaviorial theories, I know that consquences are merely the outcome of our actions. There are postive consequences and negative ones. And the consequences of our behavior shapes future actions and choices. Often, the best predictor of future behavior is past choices and behaviors.

For me, my consequences have been generally nuetral. I never had outcomes severe enough to alter my behavior. The consequences never motivated me to make big behavior changes. They never made me want to change my behavior in favor of better consequences. So my past behavior typically remained a solid predictor of future choices.  No change. Always satisfied with neutral. Satisfied with the same outcome day in and day out. There was something familiar about the predictability of the same. The familiarity of "normal" and the same was comforting. And never pushed me to make radical changes.

My mother used to tell me that my tombstone would say "I always got away with it before." Meaning......my behavior always equaled an insignificant consequence. Neither good or bad. Neutral. I made the same choices over and over again, and subsequently, had the same outcomes over and over again. And i was content with that. It was safe, predictable and easy.

Until recently. Recently I have been "forced" into make significant changes in my life. These choices resulted in severe consequences and have ultimately shaped my behavior. Mostly good, which in theory should make me feel good with the positive outcomes ive encountered due to my good behavior choices.

It started with the "choice" to leave my 8 year relationship and life i had built. I "chose" to leave a life of normalcy and comfort. A life built for years and a life I thought I wanted. I put "choice" with quotes because I did have to put my big girl panties on and choose an action of leaving my life and starting a new one, although deep down, I knew there was no option or "choice" in the matter. Suddenly my heart told me there was no other choice. No easy way out. I had to accept mt sexuality and the fact that I didnt want to be married to a man. I had to work through years of denial and blocking who I really was.
 However, in the process of "choosing" to leave my relationship, I also made some very hurtful and unforgivable decisions. I tried to rational that cheating on my fiance with a woman was okay, because well, it was a woman and I was confused. But the reality is that I chose to lie and deceive the love of my life. I chose to hide the truth and not have any honest conversation with my significant other about the turmoil i was experiencing.  And the consequences of those choices still haunt me today. But those past choices have led me to making new different choices that have indeed led to new behavior changes and better outckmes. I had to sit in my own discomfort and learn a new way of being. There was no other way out. I was forced to start a new life
And so I did. I took a leap and trusted my gut. I chose to walk away from the life I had and wanted, in hopes of finding something better. Something real and genuine. Hopes of making the right choices and behaviors based on my feelings in order to receive the consequences of true happiness and fufillment.
Along the way, ive encountered many negative and positive consequences of my choices and behaviors. The negatives include struggling emotionally and financially on my own. The negatives include fighting old patterns while attempting to embrace the new. And the positives are that ive never felt more alive and more in touch with myself than ever before. The positives are that I get to choose a life that can be whatever I want. The possibilities are endless. I can choose whatever i want and create and build any future I dream. I get a chance to experience all the consequences life has to offer. A chance to embrace the good.....and the bad.