The grey area.

Why are we so uncomfortable in the grey? Its uncertain. Fuzzy. A place where insecurities grow and the lines of concrete rational facts become blurred. Perhaps a place where swirls live.

My whole life, I hated the grey. Despised it. Wished the grey didnt exist. I liked things in a box. I liked things I could see and feel. The facts. Something solid. Stable. Something certain. Something that I could know that without a doubt, was true. Black and white.

What Ive realized over the last year......is that black and white appeared safe. The concrete box with a bow on it was appealing. It was appealing because it gave me a sense of security and comfort. The box allowed mee to live in a world where everything was certain. And if anything came along that threatened my solid lines and black and white box, i rejected it. Rejected the feelings that come with uncertainty.The worry, anxiety, fear. Because those feelings suck. They are uncomfortable and can end in hurt....disapointment.....rejection......sadness. And so I stuck with my box and black and white thinking.

And over a year ago, my concrete solid box blew up and glittered the sky with all the shades of grey. When I broke off my engagement and fell in love with a woman, my whole life was shattered into a million peices of grey uncertaintity. I hated the grey even more than I ever had before. I thought I had my whole life figured out, and BAM, I knew nothing. I had no clue what I wanted. I had no clue who I was. Was I gay, straight, bisexual? Did I want a safe box or an exciting adventure? Did I want kids....a family? Was I responsible or spontaeous? Was I both?  Did I want all of the things I thought I worked towards my entire life......or did I want something I never imagined? I had no clue. I was lost in the grey.

And now, I find myself thriving in the grey. So strange. The grey that i avoided and rejected for so long, has become a place of excitement. A place where anything is possible. The grey is now the place that feels safe. Because before, when I thought my life was solid and concrere, it shattered into a mess of disapointment and loss. And now, the grey is the only thing I can count on. The only thing I am sure of, is that everything is unsure. Everything is uncertain and everything changes. Life is grey. Always. Full of transitions and life altering moments. Its full of suprises and unexpected heartbreak. And I think if we embrace the grey, we find that life is also full of unexpected joy and suprising fufillment. Living life on the blurry, fuzzy lines, is the only way to find ourselves and experiences that change us forever. We can choose to live in the grey and flourish.
"Change is inevitable, progress is optional."