In attempts to catapolt myself into a positive state of mind, I began creating a "post surgery" bucket list. Although im fairly certain these are the kinds of things I would put on a "normal" bucket list. Somehow telling myself these are things I want and can do after surgery, makes me feel more hopeful. Like the universe cant take me out of this world if Ihave a plan. If I have things I still need to do. Some of these things are out of my comfort zone or things I never thought I would do. Others, are thigs Ive always wanted to do. Things ive been avoiding or putting off for for far too long. And although part of me feels dramatic and swirly, I think maybe this surgery or my "impending death" as I sarcastically call it, is a wake up call . Its highly likely this surgery will be quick and have a relatively short recovery time attached to it, my swirls take me to a place of fear. And doubt. A place where I need to be prepared for the "worse case scenario" and plan accordingly.
So, heres what Ive come up with so far:
Get a tattoo
Adopt a kitten
Take a sign language class
See my nephew at least once a month
Build an actual relationhip with my father
Master a skill (like cooking, playing guitar or something crafty
Take a yoga class
Incorpprate exercise into my life
Quit smoking, for good.
Train petey to be a service dog
Travel to a different country
Learn spanish
Eliminate negative people from my life...for good.
Learn to drive a stick

Im sure there are more, but for now, thats what ive come up with.

I said before that I always wondered what kind of person I would be if I was ever faced with an illness, or "impending death." Mostly, Ive been worried and pessimistic. Ive been anxious. And avoiding all the things. But the last few days, Ive attempted to be more positive and action oriented. Making calls, cleaning, doing all the things I think i need to. So, hopefull ill continue on the positive train.

Who wants to help?

When I was younger, I used to sit on my floor in front of my full length mirror. At times, I would sit and talk to myself. But usually, I would have full conversations with other people...not people I actually saw and not an imaginary friend. (I actually never had imaginary friends, only imaginary animals and a dragon. But thats probably a story for another time). I would sit and act out conversations I might have with people in my present life, or act out conversations and situations with made up people or scenarios.
Maybe I was just a very bored middle child. Maybe I just liked looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I just wanted to act out every possible scenario to decrease my anxiety about my future. Regardless of the reason why, I keep coming back to one scene I played out regularly. I used to pretend I was dying. I would come up with elaborate scenarios of tragic accidents, or some terminal illness. I would play out conversations with loved ones. I would change my role from hopeful dying patient to an angry bitter one. I would stare at myself with tears in my eyes, telling every person things I wanted to say but never could. Giving them advice for their own future. Live in the moment, dont mourn my death but celebrate my life. Things I thought dying people should say and do.
As I got older, I stopped my mirror scenes. At least the dramatic dying tales. There are times I still talk to myself or act out scenarios.....or just dance....but only in a mature, grown up kind of way. Over the years Ive often thought about what purpose it serves. The therapist in me normalizes it. It was mt way of processing the world around me, trying to minimize anxiety, and maybe deal with my fear of death. The scared irrational kid in me thinks it was all an omen. Some forewarning or practice for the future.
A week ago, I went to a long overdue gyno appointment. My doctor had immediate concerns and sent me for an ultra sound the next day. Turns out, I have a "rather large mass" on my right ovary. Its highly possible its a very benign, non threatening "chocolate cyst" typically associated with endometreosis. (A condition they thought I maybe had a few years back). Its also possible its cancer. But no one will know that until they open me up and take a look at my insides. It all seems so dramatic. And of course my instinct is to catasrophize the situation.
My first instinct.... im dying. This is the beginning of the end and that phone call from the doctor is one I will remember for my now very short existence of a life. I will now have to wrap up unfinished business and decide what the sum of my life equals.
My rational and seemingly optimistic side says its fine. This sucks but after this one surgery and some recovery time, ill be perfectly fine and able to continue my life as i please. Ill spend a few weeks on my couch relaxing and catching up on my shows and movies and sleeping....a lot.
I always wondered what kind of person i would be if i ever got news of uncertain medical issues and impending death. Turns out, Im not quite the hopeful inspiring dying type I envisioned myself to be. At least not in this moment. Mostly, ive become an isolating pessimistic type. I just want to be alone. And drink and avoid and distract myself until its over. Dont get me wrong, I do have my moments of hope. And optimism but, generally I would just like it all to go away.
So I know it wont go away. And its something I have to deal with whether I like it or not. And I hope Im able to process and move to a more hopeful, inspiring place. But today, I choose doubt. And feeling scared. And at the very least, I choose to appreciate and accept and be grateful fpr all the love and support I have received in the last few months. That, i can be optimistic and hopeful about.

Some days, it seems like the past is just a memory. Just a picture scroll in my head of past feelings and events.. Some days im able to recognize and understand the past, and the lessons it taught me. Other days the past feels like the present. Some days I can smile and laugh and cry at the memories. Some days it feels like the past never happened. Like it was someone elses life. Like the past was just a blip on the screen of the movie of my life. Some days, it feels like the past just pops up in the most unexpected way and slaps you in the face.
Today, and this week in general, I felt like my past has slapped me in the face. Leaving a sting on my cheek that feels raw, fresh, and painful. A reminder that the hurt still exists, even if its smaller and doesnt affect me in the way it used to. And what has been interesting about the past resurfacing this week, is that different pasts have popped up and affected me in very different ways. Although these pasts were very much
intertwined in meaningful ways, they have left very different feelings and memories about my past. Very different lessons were learned in each of these past things that have recently come into my current life as a reminder of what I have been through and what I have learned.
When I speak of these "pasts" resurfacing, I have been talking about them as vague occurances of something that happened before today. But, if Im honest, im really talking about two of my past relationships and partners resurfacing in some way in my life. The first would be my most recent ex. She was the first woman I had ever been with, and the person that shattered my entire life and concept of myself. The second would be my fiance, love of my life, and boyfriend of 8 years. The one I devasted when I called off our wedding and fell in love with a woman. Both of these relationships have obviously impacted my life in very significnant ways. And very different ways.
When the woman resurfaced this week, it was her attempting to infiltrate. She wanted attention and reassurance and ultimately wanted to know I still cared for her in the way that I did a year ago. (A year ago almost to the day). Although I have tried to limit contact with her over the last year, I have to work with her daily, so eliminating contact has never been an option. I had worked hard to set appopriate boundaries in attempts to minimize my hurt, move on, and not let her poisenous ways affect me or my current happy, fufilled and stable life. Over the last year, she consistently pushes my boundaries for her own comfort or selfish intentions. In this last attempt to infiltrate, she began to inch her way in with me at work and then quickly stepped it up a notch to remind me that I was the best thing she ever had, and missed that. I did a fairly good job blocking her, not letting her get in my head, and re setting firm boundaries amd expectations. For now, she is leaving me alone again. However it was a reminder of what i thought i had with her. A reminder of a relationship that changed me in ways I could never imagine.
Then, seemingly out of no where, my ex fiance called me. We hadnt spoken in over 4 months. This had been his choice. I have desperately wanted some kind of relationship or contact with him since we broke up over a year and a half ago. I desperately wanted my best friend back. But I have attempted to understand and respect that its not that easy.  Its not as easy as just putting the past behind and developing a different kind of relationship than we always had. Ive known him for over 16 years. And we were together for over 8. That past just doesnt goaway. He called me and I was instantly tearful. We caught up, shared brief stories, and it was over. It left me feeling grateful I got to speak with him, but it also left me filled with grief and sadness. It was a reminder of the hurt and pain I caused, and a life I left behind.
I recently saw a quote "you are not what happened to you, you are what you choose to become." And although my past has shaped me into the person I am today, I am fully aware that it does not define me. My past does not mean I have to hold onto those feelings or events or memories. My past does not control my future. I control my future and I choose what memories I get to create next. I am thankful for the lessons and experiences from my past, but I am more thankful that I have allowed myself to take those lessons and learn from them.  So even though sometimes the past comes back up for a gentle reminder or a violent slap, I am thankful I am slowly building my own future without constantly holding my baggage from the past. I am thankful for my current life filled with happiness and love and support.