Some days, it seems like the past is just a memory. Just a picture scroll in my head of past feelings and events.. Some days im able to recognize and understand the past, and the lessons it taught me. Other days the past feels like the present. Some days I can smile and laugh and cry at the memories. Some days it feels like the past never happened. Like it was someone elses life. Like the past was just a blip on the screen of the movie of my life. Some days, it feels like the past just pops up in the most unexpected way and slaps you in the face.
Today, and this week in general, I felt like my past has slapped me in the face. Leaving a sting on my cheek that feels raw, fresh, and painful. A reminder that the hurt still exists, even if its smaller and doesnt affect me in the way it used to. And what has been interesting about the past resurfacing this week, is that different pasts have popped up and affected me in very different ways. Although these pasts were very much
intertwined in meaningful ways, they have left very different feelings and memories about my past. Very different lessons were learned in each of these past things that have recently come into my current life as a reminder of what I have been through and what I have learned.
When I speak of these "pasts" resurfacing, I have been talking about them as vague occurances of something that happened before today. But, if Im honest, im really talking about two of my past relationships and partners resurfacing in some way in my life. The first would be my most recent ex. She was the first woman I had ever been with, and the person that shattered my entire life and concept of myself. The second would be my fiance, love of my life, and boyfriend of 8 years. The one I devasted when I called off our wedding and fell in love with a woman. Both of these relationships have obviously impacted my life in very significnant ways. And very different ways.
When the woman resurfaced this week, it was her attempting to infiltrate. She wanted attention and reassurance and ultimately wanted to know I still cared for her in the way that I did a year ago. (A year ago almost to the day). Although I have tried to limit contact with her over the last year, I have to work with her daily, so eliminating contact has never been an option. I had worked hard to set appopriate boundaries in attempts to minimize my hurt, move on, and not let her poisenous ways affect me or my current happy, fufilled and stable life. Over the last year, she consistently pushes my boundaries for her own comfort or selfish intentions. In this last attempt to infiltrate, she began to inch her way in with me at work and then quickly stepped it up a notch to remind me that I was the best thing she ever had, and missed that. I did a fairly good job blocking her, not letting her get in my head, and re setting firm boundaries amd expectations. For now, she is leaving me alone again. However it was a reminder of what i thought i had with her. A reminder of a relationship that changed me in ways I could never imagine.
Then, seemingly out of no where, my ex fiance called me. We hadnt spoken in over 4 months. This had been his choice. I have desperately wanted some kind of relationship or contact with him since we broke up over a year and a half ago. I desperately wanted my best friend back. But I have attempted to understand and respect that its not that easy.  Its not as easy as just putting the past behind and developing a different kind of relationship than we always had. Ive known him for over 16 years. And we were together for over 8. That past just doesnt goaway. He called me and I was instantly tearful. We caught up, shared brief stories, and it was over. It left me feeling grateful I got to speak with him, but it also left me filled with grief and sadness. It was a reminder of the hurt and pain I caused, and a life I left behind.
I recently saw a quote "you are not what happened to you, you are what you choose to become." And although my past has shaped me into the person I am today, I am fully aware that it does not define me. My past does not mean I have to hold onto those feelings or events or memories. My past does not control my future. I control my future and I choose what memories I get to create next. I am thankful for the lessons and experiences from my past, but I am more thankful that I have allowed myself to take those lessons and learn from them.  So even though sometimes the past comes back up for a gentle reminder or a violent slap, I am thankful I am slowly building my own future without constantly holding my baggage from the past. I am thankful for my current life filled with happiness and love and support.