Its so interesting to me. The ebb and flow of relationships. You would think I would be used to it. Expect it. Understand it. Accept it. Ride the wave.....go with ebb and flow. Instead I find myself in resistance. Dont get me wrong, the older I get, the more I find myself able to ride the wave. But first, always resistance.

In all relationships, theres a certain change that occurs. Transformation. Struggles. Intimacy. Pushing away and pulling close again. Its completely normal and I believe all relationships are subjected to this. Family, friends, lovers. People change and grow. People have bad days, or months, and it affects all the relationships. And usually, things go back to normal before one can even process the change or temporary difference in dynamics.

So, for me, when faced with these changes, I used to respond dramatically. Becoming needy. Wanting constant reassurance. Any slight change or hint of conflict, I would feel completely insecure. Lost. Crazy out of my mind. And I would take this out on my significant other, typically resulting in that other person pulling away. Over the ladt few years, Ive noticed my way of managing the ebb and flow has shifted. All the same feelings exist, but my behavior has changed. Instead of outwardly expressing my needs in a dramatic, unhelpful way....I now internalize those feelings. And instead, my behavior becomes cold. The wall goes up. I pretend I barely notice the shift, hoping it wont last. And usually, it doesnt. Ive decided its a protective measure. A way to superficially block the overwhelming feelings of insecurity and fear. Fear of change. Fear of loss.

Im thinking there may be pros and cons to this approach.  Pros- I feel more independent and in control of a situation. My significant other isnt pushed away with annoyance of my needyness. Cons- my same feelings exist and maybe Im not being as completely honest as I should be. I still may be pushing away someone but in a different way. I think I have an understanding of where these feelings come from, and why Ive shifted my ways of responding. But it doesnt make it any more comfortable or easy.

How do other people respond to the ebb and flow?

Sometimes, the anxiety is overwhelming. Debilitating. Completely consuming. Most days, Im functioning. I feel "normal." Normal for me probably doesnt feel the same for other people. But, my normal is bareable. I operate on a 6-7 on a 1-10 anxiety scale. Thats my normal.

And then theres the days or moments that it skyrockets to a 10. Or 12. Or 100. And those are the moments I hate. Those are the moments that put me in an anxiety fog, feeling completely disconnected and panicked. Feeling like my next moment may be my last. That somehow, the catastropic sense of impending doom will just take over and I will fall over dead.  Writing that, it seems so dramatic. Completely irrational and exaggerated. But, in those moments, thats exactly how it feels.

A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to go meet with a therapist for the first time. I had never been, and being a therapist myself, it was something I knew I needed to do. "They say" the best therapists have their own therapist. Whoever "they" are. Ive often struggled with a variety of issues that would be suitable for therapy. And so, after years of avoidance, I made an appointment. She wasnt the lady I originally sought out, but there I was. Sitting across from a therapist. And as I tried to pass aside my own judgement of her, I attempted to start doing some work. Within 10 minutes I knew she wasnt a good fit for me. She did most of the talking and tried to teach me about concepts I practice daily in my own therapy work with kids. But, I went back a second time, not wanting to give it up too quickly, trying to be aware of my own resistance and way of interacting. So I went back a second time. There she was again. Gloria. Sitting across from me with her witch black hair, gaudy jewlery and long fake fingernails. Her own discomfort with me was apparent. Minimal eye contact. Nervous laughter. Avoidance of any real issues. Instead, she repeated our first session. And I, fearful of confrontation and speaking my mind, sat there politely and played along.

I didnt go back again. I have started pursuing other, more suitable therapists. And in the meantime, I tried to focus on the takeaways. The one positive thing Gloria did for me was normalize my anxiety. All the things I described to her....the feelings, limitations, avoidance and irrational thoughts were normal for people with anxiety. My story of anxiety was similar to many other people. Apparently, Im not alone.
However, as I sit here in my own guilt and anger towards my anxiety, I feel very alone. Like no one else has to deal with the anxiety fog. Sitting here having a small pity party for myself.

I know I have more control than I think. And I know that with time, and work, things can and will get better. But sometimes, it just sucks. Sometimes the fog takes over, and theres nothing I can do but sit in the fog or just try and run from it.