Sometimes, the anxiety is overwhelming. Debilitating. Completely consuming. Most days, Im functioning. I feel "normal." Normal for me probably doesnt feel the same for other people. But, my normal is bareable. I operate on a 6-7 on a 1-10 anxiety scale. Thats my normal.

And then theres the days or moments that it skyrockets to a 10. Or 12. Or 100. And those are the moments I hate. Those are the moments that put me in an anxiety fog, feeling completely disconnected and panicked. Feeling like my next moment may be my last. That somehow, the catastropic sense of impending doom will just take over and I will fall over dead.  Writing that, it seems so dramatic. Completely irrational and exaggerated. But, in those moments, thats exactly how it feels.

A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to go meet with a therapist for the first time. I had never been, and being a therapist myself, it was something I knew I needed to do. "They say" the best therapists have their own therapist. Whoever "they" are. Ive often struggled with a variety of issues that would be suitable for therapy. And so, after years of avoidance, I made an appointment. She wasnt the lady I originally sought out, but there I was. Sitting across from a therapist. And as I tried to pass aside my own judgement of her, I attempted to start doing some work. Within 10 minutes I knew she wasnt a good fit for me. She did most of the talking and tried to teach me about concepts I practice daily in my own therapy work with kids. But, I went back a second time, not wanting to give it up too quickly, trying to be aware of my own resistance and way of interacting. So I went back a second time. There she was again. Gloria. Sitting across from me with her witch black hair, gaudy jewlery and long fake fingernails. Her own discomfort with me was apparent. Minimal eye contact. Nervous laughter. Avoidance of any real issues. Instead, she repeated our first session. And I, fearful of confrontation and speaking my mind, sat there politely and played along.

I didnt go back again. I have started pursuing other, more suitable therapists. And in the meantime, I tried to focus on the takeaways. The one positive thing Gloria did for me was normalize my anxiety. All the things I described to her....the feelings, limitations, avoidance and irrational thoughts were normal for people with anxiety. My story of anxiety was similar to many other people. Apparently, Im not alone.
However, as I sit here in my own guilt and anger towards my anxiety, I feel very alone. Like no one else has to deal with the anxiety fog. Sitting here having a small pity party for myself.

I know I have more control than I think. And I know that with time, and work, things can and will get better. But sometimes, it just sucks. Sometimes the fog takes over, and theres nothing I can do but sit in the fog or just try and run from it.