Its so interesting to me. The ebb and flow of relationships. You would think I would be used to it. Expect it. Understand it. Accept it. Ride the wave.....go with ebb and flow. Instead I find myself in resistance. Dont get me wrong, the older I get, the more I find myself able to ride the wave. But first, always resistance.
In all relationships, theres a certain change that occurs. Transformation. Struggles. Intimacy. Pushing away and pulling close again. Its completely normal and I believe all relationships are subjected to this. Family, friends, lovers. People change and grow. People have bad days, or months, and it affects all the relationships. And usually, things go back to normal before one can even process the change or temporary difference in dynamics.
So, for me, when faced with these changes, I used to respond dramatically. Becoming needy. Wanting constant reassurance. Any slight change or hint of conflict, I would feel completely insecure. Lost. Crazy out of my mind. And I would take this out on my significant other, typically resulting in that other person pulling away. Over the ladt few years, Ive noticed my way of managing the ebb and flow has shifted. All the same feelings exist, but my behavior has changed. Instead of outwardly expressing my needs in a dramatic, unhelpful way....I now internalize those feelings. And instead, my behavior becomes cold. The wall goes up. I pretend I barely notice the shift, hoping it wont last. And usually, it doesnt. Ive decided its a protective measure. A way to superficially block the overwhelming feelings of insecurity and fear. Fear of change. Fear of loss.
Im thinking there may be pros and cons to this approach. Pros- I feel more independent and in control of a situation. My significant other isnt pushed away with annoyance of my needyness. Cons- my same feelings exist and maybe Im not being as completely honest as I should be. I still may be pushing away someone but in a different way. I think I have an understanding of where these feelings come from, and why Ive shifted my ways of responding. But it doesnt make it any more comfortable or easy.
How do other people respond to the ebb and flow?
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Sometimes, the anxiety is overwhelming. Debilitating. Completely consuming. Most days, Im functioning. I feel "normal." Normal for me probably doesnt feel the same for other people. But, my normal is bareable. I operate on a 6-7 on a 1-10 anxiety scale. Thats my normal.
And then theres the days or moments that it skyrockets to a 10. Or 12. Or 100. And those are the moments I hate. Those are the moments that put me in an anxiety fog, feeling completely disconnected and panicked. Feeling like my next moment may be my last. That somehow, the catastropic sense of impending doom will just take over and I will fall over dead. Writing that, it seems so dramatic. Completely irrational and exaggerated. But, in those moments, thats exactly how it feels.
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to go meet with a therapist for the first time. I had never been, and being a therapist myself, it was something I knew I needed to do. "They say" the best therapists have their own therapist. Whoever "they" are. Ive often struggled with a variety of issues that would be suitable for therapy. And so, after years of avoidance, I made an appointment. She wasnt the lady I originally sought out, but there I was. Sitting across from a therapist. And as I tried to pass aside my own judgement of her, I attempted to start doing some work. Within 10 minutes I knew she wasnt a good fit for me. She did most of the talking and tried to teach me about concepts I practice daily in my own therapy work with kids. But, I went back a second time, not wanting to give it up too quickly, trying to be aware of my own resistance and way of interacting. So I went back a second time. There she was again. Gloria. Sitting across from me with her witch black hair, gaudy jewlery and long fake fingernails. Her own discomfort with me was apparent. Minimal eye contact. Nervous laughter. Avoidance of any real issues. Instead, she repeated our first session. And I, fearful of confrontation and speaking my mind, sat there politely and played along.
I didnt go back again. I have started pursuing other, more suitable therapists. And in the meantime, I tried to focus on the takeaways. The one positive thing Gloria did for me was normalize my anxiety. All the things I described to her....the feelings, limitations, avoidance and irrational thoughts were normal for people with anxiety. My story of anxiety was similar to many other people. Apparently, Im not alone.
However, as I sit here in my own guilt and anger towards my anxiety, I feel very alone. Like no one else has to deal with the anxiety fog. Sitting here having a small pity party for myself.
I know I have more control than I think. And I know that with time, and work, things can and will get better. But sometimes, it just sucks. Sometimes the fog takes over, and theres nothing I can do but sit in the fog or just try and run from it.
And then theres the days or moments that it skyrockets to a 10. Or 12. Or 100. And those are the moments I hate. Those are the moments that put me in an anxiety fog, feeling completely disconnected and panicked. Feeling like my next moment may be my last. That somehow, the catastropic sense of impending doom will just take over and I will fall over dead. Writing that, it seems so dramatic. Completely irrational and exaggerated. But, in those moments, thats exactly how it feels.
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to go meet with a therapist for the first time. I had never been, and being a therapist myself, it was something I knew I needed to do. "They say" the best therapists have their own therapist. Whoever "they" are. Ive often struggled with a variety of issues that would be suitable for therapy. And so, after years of avoidance, I made an appointment. She wasnt the lady I originally sought out, but there I was. Sitting across from a therapist. And as I tried to pass aside my own judgement of her, I attempted to start doing some work. Within 10 minutes I knew she wasnt a good fit for me. She did most of the talking and tried to teach me about concepts I practice daily in my own therapy work with kids. But, I went back a second time, not wanting to give it up too quickly, trying to be aware of my own resistance and way of interacting. So I went back a second time. There she was again. Gloria. Sitting across from me with her witch black hair, gaudy jewlery and long fake fingernails. Her own discomfort with me was apparent. Minimal eye contact. Nervous laughter. Avoidance of any real issues. Instead, she repeated our first session. And I, fearful of confrontation and speaking my mind, sat there politely and played along.
I didnt go back again. I have started pursuing other, more suitable therapists. And in the meantime, I tried to focus on the takeaways. The one positive thing Gloria did for me was normalize my anxiety. All the things I described to her....the feelings, limitations, avoidance and irrational thoughts were normal for people with anxiety. My story of anxiety was similar to many other people. Apparently, Im not alone.
However, as I sit here in my own guilt and anger towards my anxiety, I feel very alone. Like no one else has to deal with the anxiety fog. Sitting here having a small pity party for myself.
I know I have more control than I think. And I know that with time, and work, things can and will get better. But sometimes, it just sucks. Sometimes the fog takes over, and theres nothing I can do but sit in the fog or just try and run from it.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Whats the lesson?
As ive gotten older (and in theory wiser), ive attempted to figure out the "life lessons" as I go along. Tried to take experiences that are hurtful and dont make sense, and find the lesson in it. I am a firm believer that every one of our experiences and interactions with others are meant to teach us something. And if we dont pay attention, the universe will continue to give us experiences and interactions until we do learn what we need to.
So, after my recent surgery and now current recovery....I am searching for the lesson. Everyone else seems to have their own theories on what MY lesson is, but I guess im not convinced Ive got it all figured out. So first, I feel a need to give a breif summary of events. Experiences and interactions. And maybe along the way ill draw my own conclusions.
As I wrote previously, my doctor had discovered a "rather large mass" on my right ovary last month and determimed I needed surgery to have it removed. Almost a week ago, I went in for surgery. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and girlfriend, I was scared but optimistic. Hopeful for the less invasive surgery, and an outcome of "not cancerous." Early in that day, while waiting for surgery, my mother said (almost jokingly but not really), "you really should take in this experienxe. Be in the moment. You want to have a story." And as we laughed at how ridiculous that sounded, we agreed I did need "a story." So, as we sat there waiting......and laughing.....and waiting.....I got my stories. My mother and girlfriend acting like detectives trying to figure out what the writings on the super secret dry erase board meant. The crazy nurse telling jokes no one understood. My conspiracy theory that the doctor was so late because she left a sponge in the patient before me. Yelling at the nurse to give the guy next to me the drugs when I was post op. Finding out later they "forgot" to take out a polyp in my uterus.
So, I had my stories. But what about the lesson? My dear friend told me (as I was texting her like a crazy person waiting for my very late surgery while my mom and girlfriend went for lunch), that maybe the lesson was patience. That the universe was testing my patience. I responded that I had been very patient and passed that test. She told me I dont get to decide that. That, was true. My girlfriend told me maybe the lesson was was that I need to be proactive, instead of constantly reactive. That, was true. My mother hinted that I needed to take care of my health and in general, take care of business. Stop avoiding and putting off things. That, was true.
All of these proposed lessons are accurate. They make sense. And maybe the lesson is some big combination of them all. For me, I was struck most by my way of handling the situation. I always thought id be some optimpistic fighter in a situation like this. And the truth, is that I showed up with the same attitude I always do. Slightly pessimistix and giving the bare minimum. I avoided most of my feelings about it all until the day of surgery. And in the days after, I felt a weird combinatiion of grief, empowerment, hopelessness and complacency. I was grieving old habits I felt I had to give up, and I was grieving the temporary loss of things I couldnt do like walk my dog. I felt.empowered that THIS was going to be the moment that pushed me to make changes in my life. Live in the moment, stop bad habits and enjoy the people that I love. I felt.hopeless that I would be able to do all those things. And finally, complacent. Like I didnt care about any of it.
And today, almost two weeks after my surgery.....Im sitting in complacent. So I guess right now, the lesson for me, is that old habits die hard. And having a major surgery doesnt always catapolt one into changes. Changes come from hard work and awareness. So, Ive got the awareness down. Now comes the hard work :)
I had a solid story
As ive gotten older (and in theory wiser), ive attempted to figure out the "life lessons" as I go along. Tried to take experiences that are hurtful and dont make sense, and find the lesson in it. I am a firm believer that every one of our experiences and interactions with others are meant to teach us something. And if we dont pay attention, the universe will continue to give us experiences and interactions until we do learn what we need to.
So, after my recent surgery and now current recovery....I am searching for the lesson. Everyone else seems to have their own theories on what MY lesson is, but I guess im not convinced Ive got it all figured out. So first, I feel a need to give a breif summary of events. Experiences and interactions. And maybe along the way ill draw my own conclusions.
As I wrote previously, my doctor had discovered a "rather large mass" on my right ovary last month and determimed I needed surgery to have it removed. Almost a week ago, I went in for surgery. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and girlfriend, I was scared but optimistic. Hopeful for the less invasive surgery, and an outcome of "not cancerous." Early in that day, while waiting for surgery, my mother said (almost jokingly but not really), "you really should take in this experienxe. Be in the moment. You want to have a story." And as we laughed at how ridiculous that sounded, we agreed I did need "a story." So, as we sat there waiting......and laughing.....and waiting.....I got my stories. My mother and girlfriend acting like detectives trying to figure out what the writings on the super secret dry erase board meant. The crazy nurse telling jokes no one understood. My conspiracy theory that the doctor was so late because she left a sponge in the patient before me. Yelling at the nurse to give the guy next to me the drugs when I was post op. Finding out later they "forgot" to take out a polyp in my uterus.
So, I had my stories. But what about the lesson? My dear friend told me (as I was texting her like a crazy person waiting for my very late surgery while my mom and girlfriend went for lunch), that maybe the lesson was patience. That the universe was testing my patience. I responded that I had been very patient and passed that test. She told me I dont get to decide that. That, was true. My girlfriend told me maybe the lesson was was that I need to be proactive, instead of constantly reactive. That, was true. My mother hinted that I needed to take care of my health and in general, take care of business. Stop avoiding and putting off things. That, was true.
All of these proposed lessons are accurate. They make sense. And maybe the lesson is some big combination of them all. For me, I was struck most by my way of handling the situation. I always thought id be some optimpistic fighter in a situation like this. And the truth, is that I showed up with the same attitude I always do. Slightly pessimistix and giving the bare minimum. I avoided most of my feelings about it all until the day of surgery. And in the days after, I felt a weird combinatiion of grief, empowerment, hopelessness and complacency. I was grieving old habits I felt I had to give up, and I was grieving the temporary loss of things I couldnt do like walk my dog. I felt.empowered that THIS was going to be the moment that pushed me to make changes in my life. Live in the moment, stop bad habits and enjoy the people that I love. I felt.hopeless that I would be able to do all those things. And finally, complacent. Like I didnt care about any of it.
And today, almost two weeks after my surgery.....Im sitting in complacent. So I guess right now, the lesson for me, is that old habits die hard. And having a major surgery doesnt always catapolt one into changes. Changes come from hard work and awareness. So, Ive got the awareness down. Now comes the hard work :)
I had a solid story
Saturday, August 31, 2013
In attempts to catapolt myself into a positive state of mind, I began creating a "post surgery" bucket list. Although im fairly certain these are the kinds of things I would put on a "normal" bucket list. Somehow telling myself these are things I want and can do after surgery, makes me feel more hopeful. Like the universe cant take me out of this world if Ihave a plan. If I have things I still need to do. Some of these things are out of my comfort zone or things I never thought I would do. Others, are thigs Ive always wanted to do. Things ive been avoiding or putting off for for far too long. And although part of me feels dramatic and swirly, I think maybe this surgery or my "impending death" as I sarcastically call it, is a wake up call . Its highly likely this surgery will be quick and have a relatively short recovery time attached to it, my swirls take me to a place of fear. And doubt. A place where I need to be prepared for the "worse case scenario" and plan accordingly.
So, heres what Ive come up with so far:
Get a tattoo
Adopt a kitten
Take a sign language class
See my nephew at least once a month
Build an actual relationhip with my father
Master a skill (like cooking, playing guitar or something crafty
Take a yoga class
Incorpprate exercise into my life
Quit smoking, for good.
Train petey to be a service dog
Travel to a different country
Learn spanish
Eliminate negative people from my life...for good.
Learn to drive a stick
Im sure there are more, but for now, thats what ive come up with.
I said before that I always wondered what kind of person I would be if I was ever faced with an illness, or "impending death." Mostly, Ive been worried and pessimistic. Ive been anxious. And avoiding all the things. But the last few days, Ive attempted to be more positive and action oriented. Making calls, cleaning, doing all the things I think i need to. So, hopefull ill continue on the positive train.
Who wants to help?
So, heres what Ive come up with so far:
Get a tattoo
Adopt a kitten
Take a sign language class
See my nephew at least once a month
Build an actual relationhip with my father
Master a skill (like cooking, playing guitar or something crafty
Take a yoga class
Incorpprate exercise into my life
Quit smoking, for good.
Train petey to be a service dog
Travel to a different country
Learn spanish
Eliminate negative people from my life...for good.
Learn to drive a stick
Im sure there are more, but for now, thats what ive come up with.
I said before that I always wondered what kind of person I would be if I was ever faced with an illness, or "impending death." Mostly, Ive been worried and pessimistic. Ive been anxious. And avoiding all the things. But the last few days, Ive attempted to be more positive and action oriented. Making calls, cleaning, doing all the things I think i need to. So, hopefull ill continue on the positive train.
Who wants to help?
Sunday, August 18, 2013
When I was younger, I used to sit on my floor in front of my full length mirror. At times, I would sit and talk to myself. But usually, I would have full conversations with other people...not people I actually saw and not an imaginary friend. (I actually never had imaginary friends, only imaginary animals and a dragon. But thats probably a story for another time). I would sit and act out conversations I might have with people in my present life, or act out conversations and situations with made up people or scenarios.
Maybe I was just a very bored middle child. Maybe I just liked looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I just wanted to act out every possible scenario to decrease my anxiety about my future. Regardless of the reason why, I keep coming back to one scene I played out regularly. I used to pretend I was dying. I would come up with elaborate scenarios of tragic accidents, or some terminal illness. I would play out conversations with loved ones. I would change my role from hopeful dying patient to an angry bitter one. I would stare at myself with tears in my eyes, telling every person things I wanted to say but never could. Giving them advice for their own future. Live in the moment, dont mourn my death but celebrate my life. Things I thought dying people should say and do.
As I got older, I stopped my mirror scenes. At least the dramatic dying tales. There are times I still talk to myself or act out scenarios.....or just dance....but only in a mature, grown up kind of way. Over the years Ive often thought about what purpose it serves. The therapist in me normalizes it. It was mt way of processing the world around me, trying to minimize anxiety, and maybe deal with my fear of death. The scared irrational kid in me thinks it was all an omen. Some forewarning or practice for the future.
A week ago, I went to a long overdue gyno appointment. My doctor had immediate concerns and sent me for an ultra sound the next day. Turns out, I have a "rather large mass" on my right ovary. Its highly possible its a very benign, non threatening "chocolate cyst" typically associated with endometreosis. (A condition they thought I maybe had a few years back). Its also possible its cancer. But no one will know that until they open me up and take a look at my insides. It all seems so dramatic. And of course my instinct is to catasrophize the situation.
My first instinct.... im dying. This is the beginning of the end and that phone call from the doctor is one I will remember for my now very short existence of a life. I will now have to wrap up unfinished business and decide what the sum of my life equals.
My rational and seemingly optimistic side says its fine. This sucks but after this one surgery and some recovery time, ill be perfectly fine and able to continue my life as i please. Ill spend a few weeks on my couch relaxing and catching up on my shows and movies and sleeping....a lot.
I always wondered what kind of person i would be if i ever got news of uncertain medical issues and impending death. Turns out, Im not quite the hopeful inspiring dying type I envisioned myself to be. At least not in this moment. Mostly, ive become an isolating pessimistic type. I just want to be alone. And drink and avoid and distract myself until its over. Dont get me wrong, I do have my moments of hope. And optimism but, generally I would just like it all to go away.
So I know it wont go away. And its something I have to deal with whether I like it or not. And I hope Im able to process and move to a more hopeful, inspiring place. But today, I choose doubt. And feeling scared. And at the very least, I choose to appreciate and accept and be grateful fpr all the love and support I have received in the last few months. That, i can be optimistic and hopeful about.
Maybe I was just a very bored middle child. Maybe I just liked looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I just wanted to act out every possible scenario to decrease my anxiety about my future. Regardless of the reason why, I keep coming back to one scene I played out regularly. I used to pretend I was dying. I would come up with elaborate scenarios of tragic accidents, or some terminal illness. I would play out conversations with loved ones. I would change my role from hopeful dying patient to an angry bitter one. I would stare at myself with tears in my eyes, telling every person things I wanted to say but never could. Giving them advice for their own future. Live in the moment, dont mourn my death but celebrate my life. Things I thought dying people should say and do.
As I got older, I stopped my mirror scenes. At least the dramatic dying tales. There are times I still talk to myself or act out scenarios.....or just dance....but only in a mature, grown up kind of way. Over the years Ive often thought about what purpose it serves. The therapist in me normalizes it. It was mt way of processing the world around me, trying to minimize anxiety, and maybe deal with my fear of death. The scared irrational kid in me thinks it was all an omen. Some forewarning or practice for the future.
A week ago, I went to a long overdue gyno appointment. My doctor had immediate concerns and sent me for an ultra sound the next day. Turns out, I have a "rather large mass" on my right ovary. Its highly possible its a very benign, non threatening "chocolate cyst" typically associated with endometreosis. (A condition they thought I maybe had a few years back). Its also possible its cancer. But no one will know that until they open me up and take a look at my insides. It all seems so dramatic. And of course my instinct is to catasrophize the situation.
My first instinct.... im dying. This is the beginning of the end and that phone call from the doctor is one I will remember for my now very short existence of a life. I will now have to wrap up unfinished business and decide what the sum of my life equals.
My rational and seemingly optimistic side says its fine. This sucks but after this one surgery and some recovery time, ill be perfectly fine and able to continue my life as i please. Ill spend a few weeks on my couch relaxing and catching up on my shows and movies and sleeping....a lot.
I always wondered what kind of person i would be if i ever got news of uncertain medical issues and impending death. Turns out, Im not quite the hopeful inspiring dying type I envisioned myself to be. At least not in this moment. Mostly, ive become an isolating pessimistic type. I just want to be alone. And drink and avoid and distract myself until its over. Dont get me wrong, I do have my moments of hope. And optimism but, generally I would just like it all to go away.
So I know it wont go away. And its something I have to deal with whether I like it or not. And I hope Im able to process and move to a more hopeful, inspiring place. But today, I choose doubt. And feeling scared. And at the very least, I choose to appreciate and accept and be grateful fpr all the love and support I have received in the last few months. That, i can be optimistic and hopeful about.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Some days, it seems like the past is just a memory. Just a picture scroll in my head of past feelings and events.. Some days im able to recognize and understand the past, and the lessons it taught me. Other days the past feels like the present. Some days I can smile and laugh and cry at the memories. Some days it feels like the past never happened. Like it was someone elses life. Like the past was just a blip on the screen of the movie of my life. Some days, it feels like the past just pops up in the most unexpected way and slaps you in the face.
Today, and this week in general, I felt like my past has slapped me in the face. Leaving a sting on my cheek that feels raw, fresh, and painful. A reminder that the hurt still exists, even if its smaller and doesnt affect me in the way it used to. And what has been interesting about the past resurfacing this week, is that different pasts have popped up and affected me in very different ways. Although these pasts were very much
intertwined in meaningful ways, they have left very different feelings and memories about my past. Very different lessons were learned in each of these past things that have recently come into my current life as a reminder of what I have been through and what I have learned.
When I speak of these "pasts" resurfacing, I have been talking about them as vague occurances of something that happened before today. But, if Im honest, im really talking about two of my past relationships and partners resurfacing in some way in my life. The first would be my most recent ex. She was the first woman I had ever been with, and the person that shattered my entire life and concept of myself. The second would be my fiance, love of my life, and boyfriend of 8 years. The one I devasted when I called off our wedding and fell in love with a woman. Both of these relationships have obviously impacted my life in very significnant ways. And very different ways.
When the woman resurfaced this week, it was her attempting to infiltrate. She wanted attention and reassurance and ultimately wanted to know I still cared for her in the way that I did a year ago. (A year ago almost to the day). Although I have tried to limit contact with her over the last year, I have to work with her daily, so eliminating contact has never been an option. I had worked hard to set appopriate boundaries in attempts to minimize my hurt, move on, and not let her poisenous ways affect me or my current happy, fufilled and stable life. Over the last year, she consistently pushes my boundaries for her own comfort or selfish intentions. In this last attempt to infiltrate, she began to inch her way in with me at work and then quickly stepped it up a notch to remind me that I was the best thing she ever had, and missed that. I did a fairly good job blocking her, not letting her get in my head, and re setting firm boundaries amd expectations. For now, she is leaving me alone again. However it was a reminder of what i thought i had with her. A reminder of a relationship that changed me in ways I could never imagine.
Then, seemingly out of no where, my ex fiance called me. We hadnt spoken in over 4 months. This had been his choice. I have desperately wanted some kind of relationship or contact with him since we broke up over a year and a half ago. I desperately wanted my best friend back. But I have attempted to understand and respect that its not that easy. Its not as easy as just putting the past behind and developing a different kind of relationship than we always had. Ive known him for over 16 years. And we were together for over 8. That past just doesnt goaway. He called me and I was instantly tearful. We caught up, shared brief stories, and it was over. It left me feeling grateful I got to speak with him, but it also left me filled with grief and sadness. It was a reminder of the hurt and pain I caused, and a life I left behind.
I recently saw a quote "you are not what happened to you, you are what you choose to become." And although my past has shaped me into the person I am today, I am fully aware that it does not define me. My past does not mean I have to hold onto those feelings or events or memories. My past does not control my future. I control my future and I choose what memories I get to create next. I am thankful for the lessons and experiences from my past, but I am more thankful that I have allowed myself to take those lessons and learn from them. So even though sometimes the past comes back up for a gentle reminder or a violent slap, I am thankful I am slowly building my own future without constantly holding my baggage from the past. I am thankful for my current life filled with happiness and love and support.
Today, and this week in general, I felt like my past has slapped me in the face. Leaving a sting on my cheek that feels raw, fresh, and painful. A reminder that the hurt still exists, even if its smaller and doesnt affect me in the way it used to. And what has been interesting about the past resurfacing this week, is that different pasts have popped up and affected me in very different ways. Although these pasts were very much
intertwined in meaningful ways, they have left very different feelings and memories about my past. Very different lessons were learned in each of these past things that have recently come into my current life as a reminder of what I have been through and what I have learned.
When I speak of these "pasts" resurfacing, I have been talking about them as vague occurances of something that happened before today. But, if Im honest, im really talking about two of my past relationships and partners resurfacing in some way in my life. The first would be my most recent ex. She was the first woman I had ever been with, and the person that shattered my entire life and concept of myself. The second would be my fiance, love of my life, and boyfriend of 8 years. The one I devasted when I called off our wedding and fell in love with a woman. Both of these relationships have obviously impacted my life in very significnant ways. And very different ways.
When the woman resurfaced this week, it was her attempting to infiltrate. She wanted attention and reassurance and ultimately wanted to know I still cared for her in the way that I did a year ago. (A year ago almost to the day). Although I have tried to limit contact with her over the last year, I have to work with her daily, so eliminating contact has never been an option. I had worked hard to set appopriate boundaries in attempts to minimize my hurt, move on, and not let her poisenous ways affect me or my current happy, fufilled and stable life. Over the last year, she consistently pushes my boundaries for her own comfort or selfish intentions. In this last attempt to infiltrate, she began to inch her way in with me at work and then quickly stepped it up a notch to remind me that I was the best thing she ever had, and missed that. I did a fairly good job blocking her, not letting her get in my head, and re setting firm boundaries amd expectations. For now, she is leaving me alone again. However it was a reminder of what i thought i had with her. A reminder of a relationship that changed me in ways I could never imagine.
Then, seemingly out of no where, my ex fiance called me. We hadnt spoken in over 4 months. This had been his choice. I have desperately wanted some kind of relationship or contact with him since we broke up over a year and a half ago. I desperately wanted my best friend back. But I have attempted to understand and respect that its not that easy. Its not as easy as just putting the past behind and developing a different kind of relationship than we always had. Ive known him for over 16 years. And we were together for over 8. That past just doesnt goaway. He called me and I was instantly tearful. We caught up, shared brief stories, and it was over. It left me feeling grateful I got to speak with him, but it also left me filled with grief and sadness. It was a reminder of the hurt and pain I caused, and a life I left behind.
I recently saw a quote "you are not what happened to you, you are what you choose to become." And although my past has shaped me into the person I am today, I am fully aware that it does not define me. My past does not mean I have to hold onto those feelings or events or memories. My past does not control my future. I control my future and I choose what memories I get to create next. I am thankful for the lessons and experiences from my past, but I am more thankful that I have allowed myself to take those lessons and learn from them. So even though sometimes the past comes back up for a gentle reminder or a violent slap, I am thankful I am slowly building my own future without constantly holding my baggage from the past. I am thankful for my current life filled with happiness and love and support.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Consequences.
Almost everyday, I tell the kids I work with that there are consequences to their behaviors. And that consequences can be good or bad. We always assume consequences are bad. It sounds bad. Consequences. But due to my educational background and knowledge of behaviorial theories, I know that consquences are merely the outcome of our actions. There are postive consequences and negative ones. And the consequences of our behavior shapes future actions and choices. Often, the best predictor of future behavior is past choices and behaviors.
For me, my consequences have been generally nuetral. I never had outcomes severe enough to alter my behavior. The consequences never motivated me to make big behavior changes. They never made me want to change my behavior in favor of better consequences. So my past behavior typically remained a solid predictor of future choices. No change. Always satisfied with neutral. Satisfied with the same outcome day in and day out. There was something familiar about the predictability of the same. The familiarity of "normal" and the same was comforting. And never pushed me to make radical changes.
My mother used to tell me that my tombstone would say "I always got away with it before." Meaning......my behavior always equaled an insignificant consequence. Neither good or bad. Neutral. I made the same choices over and over again, and subsequently, had the same outcomes over and over again. And i was content with that. It was safe, predictable and easy.
Until recently. Recently I have been "forced" into make significant changes in my life. These choices resulted in severe consequences and have ultimately shaped my behavior. Mostly good, which in theory should make me feel good with the positive outcomes ive encountered due to my good behavior choices.
It started with the "choice" to leave my 8 year relationship and life i had built. I "chose" to leave a life of normalcy and comfort. A life built for years and a life I thought I wanted. I put "choice" with quotes because I did have to put my big girl panties on and choose an action of leaving my life and starting a new one, although deep down, I knew there was no option or "choice" in the matter. Suddenly my heart told me there was no other choice. No easy way out. I had to accept mt sexuality and the fact that I didnt want to be married to a man. I had to work through years of denial and blocking who I really was.
However, in the process of "choosing" to leave my relationship, I also made some very hurtful and unforgivable decisions. I tried to rational that cheating on my fiance with a woman was okay, because well, it was a woman and I was confused. But the reality is that I chose to lie and deceive the love of my life. I chose to hide the truth and not have any honest conversation with my significant other about the turmoil i was experiencing. And the consequences of those choices still haunt me today. But those past choices have led me to making new different choices that have indeed led to new behavior changes and better outckmes. I had to sit in my own discomfort and learn a new way of being. There was no other way out. I was forced to start a new life
And so I did. I took a leap and trusted my gut. I chose to walk away from the life I had and wanted, in hopes of finding something better. Something real and genuine. Hopes of making the right choices and behaviors based on my feelings in order to receive the consequences of true happiness and fufillment.
Along the way, ive encountered many negative and positive consequences of my choices and behaviors. The negatives include struggling emotionally and financially on my own. The negatives include fighting old patterns while attempting to embrace the new. And the positives are that ive never felt more alive and more in touch with myself than ever before. The positives are that I get to choose a life that can be whatever I want. The possibilities are endless. I can choose whatever i want and create and build any future I dream. I get a chance to experience all the consequences life has to offer. A chance to embrace the good.....and the bad.
Almost everyday, I tell the kids I work with that there are consequences to their behaviors. And that consequences can be good or bad. We always assume consequences are bad. It sounds bad. Consequences. But due to my educational background and knowledge of behaviorial theories, I know that consquences are merely the outcome of our actions. There are postive consequences and negative ones. And the consequences of our behavior shapes future actions and choices. Often, the best predictor of future behavior is past choices and behaviors.
For me, my consequences have been generally nuetral. I never had outcomes severe enough to alter my behavior. The consequences never motivated me to make big behavior changes. They never made me want to change my behavior in favor of better consequences. So my past behavior typically remained a solid predictor of future choices. No change. Always satisfied with neutral. Satisfied with the same outcome day in and day out. There was something familiar about the predictability of the same. The familiarity of "normal" and the same was comforting. And never pushed me to make radical changes.
My mother used to tell me that my tombstone would say "I always got away with it before." Meaning......my behavior always equaled an insignificant consequence. Neither good or bad. Neutral. I made the same choices over and over again, and subsequently, had the same outcomes over and over again. And i was content with that. It was safe, predictable and easy.
Until recently. Recently I have been "forced" into make significant changes in my life. These choices resulted in severe consequences and have ultimately shaped my behavior. Mostly good, which in theory should make me feel good with the positive outcomes ive encountered due to my good behavior choices.
It started with the "choice" to leave my 8 year relationship and life i had built. I "chose" to leave a life of normalcy and comfort. A life built for years and a life I thought I wanted. I put "choice" with quotes because I did have to put my big girl panties on and choose an action of leaving my life and starting a new one, although deep down, I knew there was no option or "choice" in the matter. Suddenly my heart told me there was no other choice. No easy way out. I had to accept mt sexuality and the fact that I didnt want to be married to a man. I had to work through years of denial and blocking who I really was.
However, in the process of "choosing" to leave my relationship, I also made some very hurtful and unforgivable decisions. I tried to rational that cheating on my fiance with a woman was okay, because well, it was a woman and I was confused. But the reality is that I chose to lie and deceive the love of my life. I chose to hide the truth and not have any honest conversation with my significant other about the turmoil i was experiencing. And the consequences of those choices still haunt me today. But those past choices have led me to making new different choices that have indeed led to new behavior changes and better outckmes. I had to sit in my own discomfort and learn a new way of being. There was no other way out. I was forced to start a new life
And so I did. I took a leap and trusted my gut. I chose to walk away from the life I had and wanted, in hopes of finding something better. Something real and genuine. Hopes of making the right choices and behaviors based on my feelings in order to receive the consequences of true happiness and fufillment.
Along the way, ive encountered many negative and positive consequences of my choices and behaviors. The negatives include struggling emotionally and financially on my own. The negatives include fighting old patterns while attempting to embrace the new. And the positives are that ive never felt more alive and more in touch with myself than ever before. The positives are that I get to choose a life that can be whatever I want. The possibilities are endless. I can choose whatever i want and create and build any future I dream. I get a chance to experience all the consequences life has to offer. A chance to embrace the good.....and the bad.
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