Its so interesting to me. The ebb and flow of relationships. You would think I would be used to it. Expect it. Understand it. Accept it. Ride the wave.....go with ebb and flow. Instead I find myself in resistance. Dont get me wrong, the older I get, the more I find myself able to ride the wave. But first, always resistance.
In all relationships, theres a certain change that occurs. Transformation. Struggles. Intimacy. Pushing away and pulling close again. Its completely normal and I believe all relationships are subjected to this. Family, friends, lovers. People change and grow. People have bad days, or months, and it affects all the relationships. And usually, things go back to normal before one can even process the change or temporary difference in dynamics.
So, for me, when faced with these changes, I used to respond dramatically. Becoming needy. Wanting constant reassurance. Any slight change or hint of conflict, I would feel completely insecure. Lost. Crazy out of my mind. And I would take this out on my significant other, typically resulting in that other person pulling away. Over the ladt few years, Ive noticed my way of managing the ebb and flow has shifted. All the same feelings exist, but my behavior has changed. Instead of outwardly expressing my needs in a dramatic, unhelpful way....I now internalize those feelings. And instead, my behavior becomes cold. The wall goes up. I pretend I barely notice the shift, hoping it wont last. And usually, it doesnt. Ive decided its a protective measure. A way to superficially block the overwhelming feelings of insecurity and fear. Fear of change. Fear of loss.
Im thinking there may be pros and cons to this approach. Pros- I feel more independent and in control of a situation. My significant other isnt pushed away with annoyance of my needyness. Cons- my same feelings exist and maybe Im not being as completely honest as I should be. I still may be pushing away someone but in a different way. I think I have an understanding of where these feelings come from, and why Ive shifted my ways of responding. But it doesnt make it any more comfortable or easy.
How do other people respond to the ebb and flow?
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Sometimes, the anxiety is overwhelming. Debilitating. Completely consuming. Most days, Im functioning. I feel "normal." Normal for me probably doesnt feel the same for other people. But, my normal is bareable. I operate on a 6-7 on a 1-10 anxiety scale. Thats my normal.
And then theres the days or moments that it skyrockets to a 10. Or 12. Or 100. And those are the moments I hate. Those are the moments that put me in an anxiety fog, feeling completely disconnected and panicked. Feeling like my next moment may be my last. That somehow, the catastropic sense of impending doom will just take over and I will fall over dead. Writing that, it seems so dramatic. Completely irrational and exaggerated. But, in those moments, thats exactly how it feels.
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to go meet with a therapist for the first time. I had never been, and being a therapist myself, it was something I knew I needed to do. "They say" the best therapists have their own therapist. Whoever "they" are. Ive often struggled with a variety of issues that would be suitable for therapy. And so, after years of avoidance, I made an appointment. She wasnt the lady I originally sought out, but there I was. Sitting across from a therapist. And as I tried to pass aside my own judgement of her, I attempted to start doing some work. Within 10 minutes I knew she wasnt a good fit for me. She did most of the talking and tried to teach me about concepts I practice daily in my own therapy work with kids. But, I went back a second time, not wanting to give it up too quickly, trying to be aware of my own resistance and way of interacting. So I went back a second time. There she was again. Gloria. Sitting across from me with her witch black hair, gaudy jewlery and long fake fingernails. Her own discomfort with me was apparent. Minimal eye contact. Nervous laughter. Avoidance of any real issues. Instead, she repeated our first session. And I, fearful of confrontation and speaking my mind, sat there politely and played along.
I didnt go back again. I have started pursuing other, more suitable therapists. And in the meantime, I tried to focus on the takeaways. The one positive thing Gloria did for me was normalize my anxiety. All the things I described to her....the feelings, limitations, avoidance and irrational thoughts were normal for people with anxiety. My story of anxiety was similar to many other people. Apparently, Im not alone.
However, as I sit here in my own guilt and anger towards my anxiety, I feel very alone. Like no one else has to deal with the anxiety fog. Sitting here having a small pity party for myself.
I know I have more control than I think. And I know that with time, and work, things can and will get better. But sometimes, it just sucks. Sometimes the fog takes over, and theres nothing I can do but sit in the fog or just try and run from it.
And then theres the days or moments that it skyrockets to a 10. Or 12. Or 100. And those are the moments I hate. Those are the moments that put me in an anxiety fog, feeling completely disconnected and panicked. Feeling like my next moment may be my last. That somehow, the catastropic sense of impending doom will just take over and I will fall over dead. Writing that, it seems so dramatic. Completely irrational and exaggerated. But, in those moments, thats exactly how it feels.
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to go meet with a therapist for the first time. I had never been, and being a therapist myself, it was something I knew I needed to do. "They say" the best therapists have their own therapist. Whoever "they" are. Ive often struggled with a variety of issues that would be suitable for therapy. And so, after years of avoidance, I made an appointment. She wasnt the lady I originally sought out, but there I was. Sitting across from a therapist. And as I tried to pass aside my own judgement of her, I attempted to start doing some work. Within 10 minutes I knew she wasnt a good fit for me. She did most of the talking and tried to teach me about concepts I practice daily in my own therapy work with kids. But, I went back a second time, not wanting to give it up too quickly, trying to be aware of my own resistance and way of interacting. So I went back a second time. There she was again. Gloria. Sitting across from me with her witch black hair, gaudy jewlery and long fake fingernails. Her own discomfort with me was apparent. Minimal eye contact. Nervous laughter. Avoidance of any real issues. Instead, she repeated our first session. And I, fearful of confrontation and speaking my mind, sat there politely and played along.
I didnt go back again. I have started pursuing other, more suitable therapists. And in the meantime, I tried to focus on the takeaways. The one positive thing Gloria did for me was normalize my anxiety. All the things I described to her....the feelings, limitations, avoidance and irrational thoughts were normal for people with anxiety. My story of anxiety was similar to many other people. Apparently, Im not alone.
However, as I sit here in my own guilt and anger towards my anxiety, I feel very alone. Like no one else has to deal with the anxiety fog. Sitting here having a small pity party for myself.
I know I have more control than I think. And I know that with time, and work, things can and will get better. But sometimes, it just sucks. Sometimes the fog takes over, and theres nothing I can do but sit in the fog or just try and run from it.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Whats the lesson?
As ive gotten older (and in theory wiser), ive attempted to figure out the "life lessons" as I go along. Tried to take experiences that are hurtful and dont make sense, and find the lesson in it. I am a firm believer that every one of our experiences and interactions with others are meant to teach us something. And if we dont pay attention, the universe will continue to give us experiences and interactions until we do learn what we need to.
So, after my recent surgery and now current recovery....I am searching for the lesson. Everyone else seems to have their own theories on what MY lesson is, but I guess im not convinced Ive got it all figured out. So first, I feel a need to give a breif summary of events. Experiences and interactions. And maybe along the way ill draw my own conclusions.
As I wrote previously, my doctor had discovered a "rather large mass" on my right ovary last month and determimed I needed surgery to have it removed. Almost a week ago, I went in for surgery. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and girlfriend, I was scared but optimistic. Hopeful for the less invasive surgery, and an outcome of "not cancerous." Early in that day, while waiting for surgery, my mother said (almost jokingly but not really), "you really should take in this experienxe. Be in the moment. You want to have a story." And as we laughed at how ridiculous that sounded, we agreed I did need "a story." So, as we sat there waiting......and laughing.....and waiting.....I got my stories. My mother and girlfriend acting like detectives trying to figure out what the writings on the super secret dry erase board meant. The crazy nurse telling jokes no one understood. My conspiracy theory that the doctor was so late because she left a sponge in the patient before me. Yelling at the nurse to give the guy next to me the drugs when I was post op. Finding out later they "forgot" to take out a polyp in my uterus.
So, I had my stories. But what about the lesson? My dear friend told me (as I was texting her like a crazy person waiting for my very late surgery while my mom and girlfriend went for lunch), that maybe the lesson was patience. That the universe was testing my patience. I responded that I had been very patient and passed that test. She told me I dont get to decide that. That, was true. My girlfriend told me maybe the lesson was was that I need to be proactive, instead of constantly reactive. That, was true. My mother hinted that I needed to take care of my health and in general, take care of business. Stop avoiding and putting off things. That, was true.
All of these proposed lessons are accurate. They make sense. And maybe the lesson is some big combination of them all. For me, I was struck most by my way of handling the situation. I always thought id be some optimpistic fighter in a situation like this. And the truth, is that I showed up with the same attitude I always do. Slightly pessimistix and giving the bare minimum. I avoided most of my feelings about it all until the day of surgery. And in the days after, I felt a weird combinatiion of grief, empowerment, hopelessness and complacency. I was grieving old habits I felt I had to give up, and I was grieving the temporary loss of things I couldnt do like walk my dog. I felt.empowered that THIS was going to be the moment that pushed me to make changes in my life. Live in the moment, stop bad habits and enjoy the people that I love. I felt.hopeless that I would be able to do all those things. And finally, complacent. Like I didnt care about any of it.
And today, almost two weeks after my surgery.....Im sitting in complacent. So I guess right now, the lesson for me, is that old habits die hard. And having a major surgery doesnt always catapolt one into changes. Changes come from hard work and awareness. So, Ive got the awareness down. Now comes the hard work :)
I had a solid story
As ive gotten older (and in theory wiser), ive attempted to figure out the "life lessons" as I go along. Tried to take experiences that are hurtful and dont make sense, and find the lesson in it. I am a firm believer that every one of our experiences and interactions with others are meant to teach us something. And if we dont pay attention, the universe will continue to give us experiences and interactions until we do learn what we need to.
So, after my recent surgery and now current recovery....I am searching for the lesson. Everyone else seems to have their own theories on what MY lesson is, but I guess im not convinced Ive got it all figured out. So first, I feel a need to give a breif summary of events. Experiences and interactions. And maybe along the way ill draw my own conclusions.
As I wrote previously, my doctor had discovered a "rather large mass" on my right ovary last month and determimed I needed surgery to have it removed. Almost a week ago, I went in for surgery. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and girlfriend, I was scared but optimistic. Hopeful for the less invasive surgery, and an outcome of "not cancerous." Early in that day, while waiting for surgery, my mother said (almost jokingly but not really), "you really should take in this experienxe. Be in the moment. You want to have a story." And as we laughed at how ridiculous that sounded, we agreed I did need "a story." So, as we sat there waiting......and laughing.....and waiting.....I got my stories. My mother and girlfriend acting like detectives trying to figure out what the writings on the super secret dry erase board meant. The crazy nurse telling jokes no one understood. My conspiracy theory that the doctor was so late because she left a sponge in the patient before me. Yelling at the nurse to give the guy next to me the drugs when I was post op. Finding out later they "forgot" to take out a polyp in my uterus.
So, I had my stories. But what about the lesson? My dear friend told me (as I was texting her like a crazy person waiting for my very late surgery while my mom and girlfriend went for lunch), that maybe the lesson was patience. That the universe was testing my patience. I responded that I had been very patient and passed that test. She told me I dont get to decide that. That, was true. My girlfriend told me maybe the lesson was was that I need to be proactive, instead of constantly reactive. That, was true. My mother hinted that I needed to take care of my health and in general, take care of business. Stop avoiding and putting off things. That, was true.
All of these proposed lessons are accurate. They make sense. And maybe the lesson is some big combination of them all. For me, I was struck most by my way of handling the situation. I always thought id be some optimpistic fighter in a situation like this. And the truth, is that I showed up with the same attitude I always do. Slightly pessimistix and giving the bare minimum. I avoided most of my feelings about it all until the day of surgery. And in the days after, I felt a weird combinatiion of grief, empowerment, hopelessness and complacency. I was grieving old habits I felt I had to give up, and I was grieving the temporary loss of things I couldnt do like walk my dog. I felt.empowered that THIS was going to be the moment that pushed me to make changes in my life. Live in the moment, stop bad habits and enjoy the people that I love. I felt.hopeless that I would be able to do all those things. And finally, complacent. Like I didnt care about any of it.
And today, almost two weeks after my surgery.....Im sitting in complacent. So I guess right now, the lesson for me, is that old habits die hard. And having a major surgery doesnt always catapolt one into changes. Changes come from hard work and awareness. So, Ive got the awareness down. Now comes the hard work :)
I had a solid story
Saturday, August 31, 2013
In attempts to catapolt myself into a positive state of mind, I began creating a "post surgery" bucket list. Although im fairly certain these are the kinds of things I would put on a "normal" bucket list. Somehow telling myself these are things I want and can do after surgery, makes me feel more hopeful. Like the universe cant take me out of this world if Ihave a plan. If I have things I still need to do. Some of these things are out of my comfort zone or things I never thought I would do. Others, are thigs Ive always wanted to do. Things ive been avoiding or putting off for for far too long. And although part of me feels dramatic and swirly, I think maybe this surgery or my "impending death" as I sarcastically call it, is a wake up call . Its highly likely this surgery will be quick and have a relatively short recovery time attached to it, my swirls take me to a place of fear. And doubt. A place where I need to be prepared for the "worse case scenario" and plan accordingly.
So, heres what Ive come up with so far:
Get a tattoo
Adopt a kitten
Take a sign language class
See my nephew at least once a month
Build an actual relationhip with my father
Master a skill (like cooking, playing guitar or something crafty
Take a yoga class
Incorpprate exercise into my life
Quit smoking, for good.
Train petey to be a service dog
Travel to a different country
Learn spanish
Eliminate negative people from my life...for good.
Learn to drive a stick
Im sure there are more, but for now, thats what ive come up with.
I said before that I always wondered what kind of person I would be if I was ever faced with an illness, or "impending death." Mostly, Ive been worried and pessimistic. Ive been anxious. And avoiding all the things. But the last few days, Ive attempted to be more positive and action oriented. Making calls, cleaning, doing all the things I think i need to. So, hopefull ill continue on the positive train.
Who wants to help?
So, heres what Ive come up with so far:
Get a tattoo
Adopt a kitten
Take a sign language class
See my nephew at least once a month
Build an actual relationhip with my father
Master a skill (like cooking, playing guitar or something crafty
Take a yoga class
Incorpprate exercise into my life
Quit smoking, for good.
Train petey to be a service dog
Travel to a different country
Learn spanish
Eliminate negative people from my life...for good.
Learn to drive a stick
Im sure there are more, but for now, thats what ive come up with.
I said before that I always wondered what kind of person I would be if I was ever faced with an illness, or "impending death." Mostly, Ive been worried and pessimistic. Ive been anxious. And avoiding all the things. But the last few days, Ive attempted to be more positive and action oriented. Making calls, cleaning, doing all the things I think i need to. So, hopefull ill continue on the positive train.
Who wants to help?
Sunday, August 18, 2013
When I was younger, I used to sit on my floor in front of my full length mirror. At times, I would sit and talk to myself. But usually, I would have full conversations with other people...not people I actually saw and not an imaginary friend. (I actually never had imaginary friends, only imaginary animals and a dragon. But thats probably a story for another time). I would sit and act out conversations I might have with people in my present life, or act out conversations and situations with made up people or scenarios.
Maybe I was just a very bored middle child. Maybe I just liked looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I just wanted to act out every possible scenario to decrease my anxiety about my future. Regardless of the reason why, I keep coming back to one scene I played out regularly. I used to pretend I was dying. I would come up with elaborate scenarios of tragic accidents, or some terminal illness. I would play out conversations with loved ones. I would change my role from hopeful dying patient to an angry bitter one. I would stare at myself with tears in my eyes, telling every person things I wanted to say but never could. Giving them advice for their own future. Live in the moment, dont mourn my death but celebrate my life. Things I thought dying people should say and do.
As I got older, I stopped my mirror scenes. At least the dramatic dying tales. There are times I still talk to myself or act out scenarios.....or just dance....but only in a mature, grown up kind of way. Over the years Ive often thought about what purpose it serves. The therapist in me normalizes it. It was mt way of processing the world around me, trying to minimize anxiety, and maybe deal with my fear of death. The scared irrational kid in me thinks it was all an omen. Some forewarning or practice for the future.
A week ago, I went to a long overdue gyno appointment. My doctor had immediate concerns and sent me for an ultra sound the next day. Turns out, I have a "rather large mass" on my right ovary. Its highly possible its a very benign, non threatening "chocolate cyst" typically associated with endometreosis. (A condition they thought I maybe had a few years back). Its also possible its cancer. But no one will know that until they open me up and take a look at my insides. It all seems so dramatic. And of course my instinct is to catasrophize the situation.
My first instinct.... im dying. This is the beginning of the end and that phone call from the doctor is one I will remember for my now very short existence of a life. I will now have to wrap up unfinished business and decide what the sum of my life equals.
My rational and seemingly optimistic side says its fine. This sucks but after this one surgery and some recovery time, ill be perfectly fine and able to continue my life as i please. Ill spend a few weeks on my couch relaxing and catching up on my shows and movies and sleeping....a lot.
I always wondered what kind of person i would be if i ever got news of uncertain medical issues and impending death. Turns out, Im not quite the hopeful inspiring dying type I envisioned myself to be. At least not in this moment. Mostly, ive become an isolating pessimistic type. I just want to be alone. And drink and avoid and distract myself until its over. Dont get me wrong, I do have my moments of hope. And optimism but, generally I would just like it all to go away.
So I know it wont go away. And its something I have to deal with whether I like it or not. And I hope Im able to process and move to a more hopeful, inspiring place. But today, I choose doubt. And feeling scared. And at the very least, I choose to appreciate and accept and be grateful fpr all the love and support I have received in the last few months. That, i can be optimistic and hopeful about.
Maybe I was just a very bored middle child. Maybe I just liked looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I just wanted to act out every possible scenario to decrease my anxiety about my future. Regardless of the reason why, I keep coming back to one scene I played out regularly. I used to pretend I was dying. I would come up with elaborate scenarios of tragic accidents, or some terminal illness. I would play out conversations with loved ones. I would change my role from hopeful dying patient to an angry bitter one. I would stare at myself with tears in my eyes, telling every person things I wanted to say but never could. Giving them advice for their own future. Live in the moment, dont mourn my death but celebrate my life. Things I thought dying people should say and do.
As I got older, I stopped my mirror scenes. At least the dramatic dying tales. There are times I still talk to myself or act out scenarios.....or just dance....but only in a mature, grown up kind of way. Over the years Ive often thought about what purpose it serves. The therapist in me normalizes it. It was mt way of processing the world around me, trying to minimize anxiety, and maybe deal with my fear of death. The scared irrational kid in me thinks it was all an omen. Some forewarning or practice for the future.
A week ago, I went to a long overdue gyno appointment. My doctor had immediate concerns and sent me for an ultra sound the next day. Turns out, I have a "rather large mass" on my right ovary. Its highly possible its a very benign, non threatening "chocolate cyst" typically associated with endometreosis. (A condition they thought I maybe had a few years back). Its also possible its cancer. But no one will know that until they open me up and take a look at my insides. It all seems so dramatic. And of course my instinct is to catasrophize the situation.
My first instinct.... im dying. This is the beginning of the end and that phone call from the doctor is one I will remember for my now very short existence of a life. I will now have to wrap up unfinished business and decide what the sum of my life equals.
My rational and seemingly optimistic side says its fine. This sucks but after this one surgery and some recovery time, ill be perfectly fine and able to continue my life as i please. Ill spend a few weeks on my couch relaxing and catching up on my shows and movies and sleeping....a lot.
I always wondered what kind of person i would be if i ever got news of uncertain medical issues and impending death. Turns out, Im not quite the hopeful inspiring dying type I envisioned myself to be. At least not in this moment. Mostly, ive become an isolating pessimistic type. I just want to be alone. And drink and avoid and distract myself until its over. Dont get me wrong, I do have my moments of hope. And optimism but, generally I would just like it all to go away.
So I know it wont go away. And its something I have to deal with whether I like it or not. And I hope Im able to process and move to a more hopeful, inspiring place. But today, I choose doubt. And feeling scared. And at the very least, I choose to appreciate and accept and be grateful fpr all the love and support I have received in the last few months. That, i can be optimistic and hopeful about.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Some days, it seems like the past is just a memory. Just a picture scroll in my head of past feelings and events.. Some days im able to recognize and understand the past, and the lessons it taught me. Other days the past feels like the present. Some days I can smile and laugh and cry at the memories. Some days it feels like the past never happened. Like it was someone elses life. Like the past was just a blip on the screen of the movie of my life. Some days, it feels like the past just pops up in the most unexpected way and slaps you in the face.
Today, and this week in general, I felt like my past has slapped me in the face. Leaving a sting on my cheek that feels raw, fresh, and painful. A reminder that the hurt still exists, even if its smaller and doesnt affect me in the way it used to. And what has been interesting about the past resurfacing this week, is that different pasts have popped up and affected me in very different ways. Although these pasts were very much
intertwined in meaningful ways, they have left very different feelings and memories about my past. Very different lessons were learned in each of these past things that have recently come into my current life as a reminder of what I have been through and what I have learned.
When I speak of these "pasts" resurfacing, I have been talking about them as vague occurances of something that happened before today. But, if Im honest, im really talking about two of my past relationships and partners resurfacing in some way in my life. The first would be my most recent ex. She was the first woman I had ever been with, and the person that shattered my entire life and concept of myself. The second would be my fiance, love of my life, and boyfriend of 8 years. The one I devasted when I called off our wedding and fell in love with a woman. Both of these relationships have obviously impacted my life in very significnant ways. And very different ways.
When the woman resurfaced this week, it was her attempting to infiltrate. She wanted attention and reassurance and ultimately wanted to know I still cared for her in the way that I did a year ago. (A year ago almost to the day). Although I have tried to limit contact with her over the last year, I have to work with her daily, so eliminating contact has never been an option. I had worked hard to set appopriate boundaries in attempts to minimize my hurt, move on, and not let her poisenous ways affect me or my current happy, fufilled and stable life. Over the last year, she consistently pushes my boundaries for her own comfort or selfish intentions. In this last attempt to infiltrate, she began to inch her way in with me at work and then quickly stepped it up a notch to remind me that I was the best thing she ever had, and missed that. I did a fairly good job blocking her, not letting her get in my head, and re setting firm boundaries amd expectations. For now, she is leaving me alone again. However it was a reminder of what i thought i had with her. A reminder of a relationship that changed me in ways I could never imagine.
Then, seemingly out of no where, my ex fiance called me. We hadnt spoken in over 4 months. This had been his choice. I have desperately wanted some kind of relationship or contact with him since we broke up over a year and a half ago. I desperately wanted my best friend back. But I have attempted to understand and respect that its not that easy. Its not as easy as just putting the past behind and developing a different kind of relationship than we always had. Ive known him for over 16 years. And we were together for over 8. That past just doesnt goaway. He called me and I was instantly tearful. We caught up, shared brief stories, and it was over. It left me feeling grateful I got to speak with him, but it also left me filled with grief and sadness. It was a reminder of the hurt and pain I caused, and a life I left behind.
I recently saw a quote "you are not what happened to you, you are what you choose to become." And although my past has shaped me into the person I am today, I am fully aware that it does not define me. My past does not mean I have to hold onto those feelings or events or memories. My past does not control my future. I control my future and I choose what memories I get to create next. I am thankful for the lessons and experiences from my past, but I am more thankful that I have allowed myself to take those lessons and learn from them. So even though sometimes the past comes back up for a gentle reminder or a violent slap, I am thankful I am slowly building my own future without constantly holding my baggage from the past. I am thankful for my current life filled with happiness and love and support.
Today, and this week in general, I felt like my past has slapped me in the face. Leaving a sting on my cheek that feels raw, fresh, and painful. A reminder that the hurt still exists, even if its smaller and doesnt affect me in the way it used to. And what has been interesting about the past resurfacing this week, is that different pasts have popped up and affected me in very different ways. Although these pasts were very much
intertwined in meaningful ways, they have left very different feelings and memories about my past. Very different lessons were learned in each of these past things that have recently come into my current life as a reminder of what I have been through and what I have learned.
When I speak of these "pasts" resurfacing, I have been talking about them as vague occurances of something that happened before today. But, if Im honest, im really talking about two of my past relationships and partners resurfacing in some way in my life. The first would be my most recent ex. She was the first woman I had ever been with, and the person that shattered my entire life and concept of myself. The second would be my fiance, love of my life, and boyfriend of 8 years. The one I devasted when I called off our wedding and fell in love with a woman. Both of these relationships have obviously impacted my life in very significnant ways. And very different ways.
When the woman resurfaced this week, it was her attempting to infiltrate. She wanted attention and reassurance and ultimately wanted to know I still cared for her in the way that I did a year ago. (A year ago almost to the day). Although I have tried to limit contact with her over the last year, I have to work with her daily, so eliminating contact has never been an option. I had worked hard to set appopriate boundaries in attempts to minimize my hurt, move on, and not let her poisenous ways affect me or my current happy, fufilled and stable life. Over the last year, she consistently pushes my boundaries for her own comfort or selfish intentions. In this last attempt to infiltrate, she began to inch her way in with me at work and then quickly stepped it up a notch to remind me that I was the best thing she ever had, and missed that. I did a fairly good job blocking her, not letting her get in my head, and re setting firm boundaries amd expectations. For now, she is leaving me alone again. However it was a reminder of what i thought i had with her. A reminder of a relationship that changed me in ways I could never imagine.
Then, seemingly out of no where, my ex fiance called me. We hadnt spoken in over 4 months. This had been his choice. I have desperately wanted some kind of relationship or contact with him since we broke up over a year and a half ago. I desperately wanted my best friend back. But I have attempted to understand and respect that its not that easy. Its not as easy as just putting the past behind and developing a different kind of relationship than we always had. Ive known him for over 16 years. And we were together for over 8. That past just doesnt goaway. He called me and I was instantly tearful. We caught up, shared brief stories, and it was over. It left me feeling grateful I got to speak with him, but it also left me filled with grief and sadness. It was a reminder of the hurt and pain I caused, and a life I left behind.
I recently saw a quote "you are not what happened to you, you are what you choose to become." And although my past has shaped me into the person I am today, I am fully aware that it does not define me. My past does not mean I have to hold onto those feelings or events or memories. My past does not control my future. I control my future and I choose what memories I get to create next. I am thankful for the lessons and experiences from my past, but I am more thankful that I have allowed myself to take those lessons and learn from them. So even though sometimes the past comes back up for a gentle reminder or a violent slap, I am thankful I am slowly building my own future without constantly holding my baggage from the past. I am thankful for my current life filled with happiness and love and support.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Consequences.
Almost everyday, I tell the kids I work with that there are consequences to their behaviors. And that consequences can be good or bad. We always assume consequences are bad. It sounds bad. Consequences. But due to my educational background and knowledge of behaviorial theories, I know that consquences are merely the outcome of our actions. There are postive consequences and negative ones. And the consequences of our behavior shapes future actions and choices. Often, the best predictor of future behavior is past choices and behaviors.
For me, my consequences have been generally nuetral. I never had outcomes severe enough to alter my behavior. The consequences never motivated me to make big behavior changes. They never made me want to change my behavior in favor of better consequences. So my past behavior typically remained a solid predictor of future choices. No change. Always satisfied with neutral. Satisfied with the same outcome day in and day out. There was something familiar about the predictability of the same. The familiarity of "normal" and the same was comforting. And never pushed me to make radical changes.
My mother used to tell me that my tombstone would say "I always got away with it before." Meaning......my behavior always equaled an insignificant consequence. Neither good or bad. Neutral. I made the same choices over and over again, and subsequently, had the same outcomes over and over again. And i was content with that. It was safe, predictable and easy.
Until recently. Recently I have been "forced" into make significant changes in my life. These choices resulted in severe consequences and have ultimately shaped my behavior. Mostly good, which in theory should make me feel good with the positive outcomes ive encountered due to my good behavior choices.
It started with the "choice" to leave my 8 year relationship and life i had built. I "chose" to leave a life of normalcy and comfort. A life built for years and a life I thought I wanted. I put "choice" with quotes because I did have to put my big girl panties on and choose an action of leaving my life and starting a new one, although deep down, I knew there was no option or "choice" in the matter. Suddenly my heart told me there was no other choice. No easy way out. I had to accept mt sexuality and the fact that I didnt want to be married to a man. I had to work through years of denial and blocking who I really was.
However, in the process of "choosing" to leave my relationship, I also made some very hurtful and unforgivable decisions. I tried to rational that cheating on my fiance with a woman was okay, because well, it was a woman and I was confused. But the reality is that I chose to lie and deceive the love of my life. I chose to hide the truth and not have any honest conversation with my significant other about the turmoil i was experiencing. And the consequences of those choices still haunt me today. But those past choices have led me to making new different choices that have indeed led to new behavior changes and better outckmes. I had to sit in my own discomfort and learn a new way of being. There was no other way out. I was forced to start a new life
And so I did. I took a leap and trusted my gut. I chose to walk away from the life I had and wanted, in hopes of finding something better. Something real and genuine. Hopes of making the right choices and behaviors based on my feelings in order to receive the consequences of true happiness and fufillment.
Along the way, ive encountered many negative and positive consequences of my choices and behaviors. The negatives include struggling emotionally and financially on my own. The negatives include fighting old patterns while attempting to embrace the new. And the positives are that ive never felt more alive and more in touch with myself than ever before. The positives are that I get to choose a life that can be whatever I want. The possibilities are endless. I can choose whatever i want and create and build any future I dream. I get a chance to experience all the consequences life has to offer. A chance to embrace the good.....and the bad.
Almost everyday, I tell the kids I work with that there are consequences to their behaviors. And that consequences can be good or bad. We always assume consequences are bad. It sounds bad. Consequences. But due to my educational background and knowledge of behaviorial theories, I know that consquences are merely the outcome of our actions. There are postive consequences and negative ones. And the consequences of our behavior shapes future actions and choices. Often, the best predictor of future behavior is past choices and behaviors.
For me, my consequences have been generally nuetral. I never had outcomes severe enough to alter my behavior. The consequences never motivated me to make big behavior changes. They never made me want to change my behavior in favor of better consequences. So my past behavior typically remained a solid predictor of future choices. No change. Always satisfied with neutral. Satisfied with the same outcome day in and day out. There was something familiar about the predictability of the same. The familiarity of "normal" and the same was comforting. And never pushed me to make radical changes.
My mother used to tell me that my tombstone would say "I always got away with it before." Meaning......my behavior always equaled an insignificant consequence. Neither good or bad. Neutral. I made the same choices over and over again, and subsequently, had the same outcomes over and over again. And i was content with that. It was safe, predictable and easy.
Until recently. Recently I have been "forced" into make significant changes in my life. These choices resulted in severe consequences and have ultimately shaped my behavior. Mostly good, which in theory should make me feel good with the positive outcomes ive encountered due to my good behavior choices.
It started with the "choice" to leave my 8 year relationship and life i had built. I "chose" to leave a life of normalcy and comfort. A life built for years and a life I thought I wanted. I put "choice" with quotes because I did have to put my big girl panties on and choose an action of leaving my life and starting a new one, although deep down, I knew there was no option or "choice" in the matter. Suddenly my heart told me there was no other choice. No easy way out. I had to accept mt sexuality and the fact that I didnt want to be married to a man. I had to work through years of denial and blocking who I really was.
However, in the process of "choosing" to leave my relationship, I also made some very hurtful and unforgivable decisions. I tried to rational that cheating on my fiance with a woman was okay, because well, it was a woman and I was confused. But the reality is that I chose to lie and deceive the love of my life. I chose to hide the truth and not have any honest conversation with my significant other about the turmoil i was experiencing. And the consequences of those choices still haunt me today. But those past choices have led me to making new different choices that have indeed led to new behavior changes and better outckmes. I had to sit in my own discomfort and learn a new way of being. There was no other way out. I was forced to start a new life
And so I did. I took a leap and trusted my gut. I chose to walk away from the life I had and wanted, in hopes of finding something better. Something real and genuine. Hopes of making the right choices and behaviors based on my feelings in order to receive the consequences of true happiness and fufillment.
Along the way, ive encountered many negative and positive consequences of my choices and behaviors. The negatives include struggling emotionally and financially on my own. The negatives include fighting old patterns while attempting to embrace the new. And the positives are that ive never felt more alive and more in touch with myself than ever before. The positives are that I get to choose a life that can be whatever I want. The possibilities are endless. I can choose whatever i want and create and build any future I dream. I get a chance to experience all the consequences life has to offer. A chance to embrace the good.....and the bad.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
It takes 21 days to form a habbit.
I wrote this on my chalkboard in my kitchen. About two hours later I realized I spelled haBit wrong, erased it, and wrote "21 days." Erasing it seemed easier than trying to figure out if the word "habit" had one B or two. Then I realized that it was a perfect example of how I constantly take the easy way out, and avoid hard work needed to create positive healthy habits in my. And so I googled the correct spelling as I started writing and here we are.
Ive heard before that its some kind of proven fact that forming a habit takes 21 days. I read it again somewehere recently, and it got me thinking. ThInking about all the things I have avoided or given up on because it was hard work. Or required patience. I crave immediate gratification and hate waiting to see results, or change. And I thought about all the things I have missed out on because I couldnt wait the 21 days. I couldnt push myself to stick out something that is uncomfortable or makes me work for it. I wasnt able develop healthy habits because those are the ones that are the most difficult. And the most rewarding.
And so, I decided to try something to begin to put a stop to my procrastinator/avoider self. I decided that 21 days isnt THAT long and maybe I would try to test this 21 day theory and see if I could form a new habit. It is a proven fact, right?
So lately I had been feeling like I had put on one too many pounds and was not at all comfortable about my body. In fact, I was disgusted. Ive always enjoyed the fact that I was always the "skinny friend that eats lile shit and never exercises" friend. There are only a rare few times in my life when I felt too heavy or unattractive. So this new development of weight gain was not welcomed. And it was a suprise. Never saw it coming.
My best friend (who works out religiously and eats healthy) always griped about me remaining super skinny as I ate anything I wanted to and never worked out. She used to tell me that my metabolism would slow down or my bad food choices would catch up with me. Well maybe it was turning 28, or drinking too much or getting minimal to zero exercise......but here I am. So, I decided to test my theory on making a habit of exercising daily. My only requirement was that I do at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio and some kind of strength building exercise. Today is day #4.
Of course when I started i wanted to rush through to the results, so Day #1 I ran with petey way past my limits, and then I tried to pretend I was super ripped and attempted this insane workout video that I could barely even perform the moves. And when I couldnt do that, I wanted to "complete" an exercise so I did a Jillian Michaels "6 pack in 6 weeks video." And then I was dead. And super sore the next day. And completely dreading any type of movement or healthy habit. I was frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
Day #1 and I was over it. Over the work and uncomfort. But, I reluctantly thought about why I started my challenge, and sucked it up. Day # 2 I took a walk......and grumbled my way through some ab exercises and baby push ups. I felt better after I muddled through. Day #3 came and I was able to convince myself that If I did what I needed to do, I would allow myself to indulge with a few drinks and yummy food. Its all about balance, righr? And today on day #4, I told myself that I walked enough today at work and was allowed to skip strength workout. That I was allowed to give in to my bad habit of taking the easy way out. Rationalize that my long/late day at work and lack of sleep the night before equaled NOT doing anyhing hard.
And then I suprised myself. I got home with intentions to take my dog for a very quick walk outside (it was raining after all), but instead I found myself walking our "required" route in the rain with a little sprint at the end. And THEN I tried the Jillian Michaels video again, and made it farther than I did the last time. And although Im now sitting here with a glass of wine in my hand, I feel pretty damn proud. And maybe tomorrow wont be so great, or maybe I will continue to suprise myself.
Maybe 21 days wont be so bad. And maybe I can form a new ha it.
I wrote this on my chalkboard in my kitchen. About two hours later I realized I spelled haBit wrong, erased it, and wrote "21 days." Erasing it seemed easier than trying to figure out if the word "habit" had one B or two. Then I realized that it was a perfect example of how I constantly take the easy way out, and avoid hard work needed to create positive healthy habits in my. And so I googled the correct spelling as I started writing and here we are.
Ive heard before that its some kind of proven fact that forming a habit takes 21 days. I read it again somewehere recently, and it got me thinking. ThInking about all the things I have avoided or given up on because it was hard work. Or required patience. I crave immediate gratification and hate waiting to see results, or change. And I thought about all the things I have missed out on because I couldnt wait the 21 days. I couldnt push myself to stick out something that is uncomfortable or makes me work for it. I wasnt able develop healthy habits because those are the ones that are the most difficult. And the most rewarding.
And so, I decided to try something to begin to put a stop to my procrastinator/avoider self. I decided that 21 days isnt THAT long and maybe I would try to test this 21 day theory and see if I could form a new habit. It is a proven fact, right?
So lately I had been feeling like I had put on one too many pounds and was not at all comfortable about my body. In fact, I was disgusted. Ive always enjoyed the fact that I was always the "skinny friend that eats lile shit and never exercises" friend. There are only a rare few times in my life when I felt too heavy or unattractive. So this new development of weight gain was not welcomed. And it was a suprise. Never saw it coming.
My best friend (who works out religiously and eats healthy) always griped about me remaining super skinny as I ate anything I wanted to and never worked out. She used to tell me that my metabolism would slow down or my bad food choices would catch up with me. Well maybe it was turning 28, or drinking too much or getting minimal to zero exercise......but here I am. So, I decided to test my theory on making a habit of exercising daily. My only requirement was that I do at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio and some kind of strength building exercise. Today is day #4.
Of course when I started i wanted to rush through to the results, so Day #1 I ran with petey way past my limits, and then I tried to pretend I was super ripped and attempted this insane workout video that I could barely even perform the moves. And when I couldnt do that, I wanted to "complete" an exercise so I did a Jillian Michaels "6 pack in 6 weeks video." And then I was dead. And super sore the next day. And completely dreading any type of movement or healthy habit. I was frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
Day #1 and I was over it. Over the work and uncomfort. But, I reluctantly thought about why I started my challenge, and sucked it up. Day # 2 I took a walk......and grumbled my way through some ab exercises and baby push ups. I felt better after I muddled through. Day #3 came and I was able to convince myself that If I did what I needed to do, I would allow myself to indulge with a few drinks and yummy food. Its all about balance, righr? And today on day #4, I told myself that I walked enough today at work and was allowed to skip strength workout. That I was allowed to give in to my bad habit of taking the easy way out. Rationalize that my long/late day at work and lack of sleep the night before equaled NOT doing anyhing hard.
And then I suprised myself. I got home with intentions to take my dog for a very quick walk outside (it was raining after all), but instead I found myself walking our "required" route in the rain with a little sprint at the end. And THEN I tried the Jillian Michaels video again, and made it farther than I did the last time. And although Im now sitting here with a glass of wine in my hand, I feel pretty damn proud. And maybe tomorrow wont be so great, or maybe I will continue to suprise myself.
Maybe 21 days wont be so bad. And maybe I can form a new ha it.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The grey area.
Why are we so uncomfortable in the grey? Its uncertain. Fuzzy. A place where insecurities grow and the lines of concrete rational facts become blurred. Perhaps a place where swirls live.
My whole life, I hated the grey. Despised it. Wished the grey didnt exist. I liked things in a box. I liked things I could see and feel. The facts. Something solid. Stable. Something certain. Something that I could know that without a doubt, was true. Black and white.
What Ive realized over the last year......is that black and white appeared safe. The concrete box with a bow on it was appealing. It was appealing because it gave me a sense of security and comfort. The box allowed mee to live in a world where everything was certain. And if anything came along that threatened my solid lines and black and white box, i rejected it. Rejected the feelings that come with uncertainty.The worry, anxiety, fear. Because those feelings suck. They are uncomfortable and can end in hurt....disapointment.....rejection......sadness. And so I stuck with my box and black and white thinking.
And over a year ago, my concrete solid box blew up and glittered the sky with all the shades of grey. When I broke off my engagement and fell in love with a woman, my whole life was shattered into a million peices of grey uncertaintity. I hated the grey even more than I ever had before. I thought I had my whole life figured out, and BAM, I knew nothing. I had no clue what I wanted. I had no clue who I was. Was I gay, straight, bisexual? Did I want a safe box or an exciting adventure? Did I want kids....a family? Was I responsible or spontaeous? Was I both? Did I want all of the things I thought I worked towards my entire life......or did I want something I never imagined? I had no clue. I was lost in the grey.
And now, I find myself thriving in the grey. So strange. The grey that i avoided and rejected for so long, has become a place of excitement. A place where anything is possible. The grey is now the place that feels safe. Because before, when I thought my life was solid and concrere, it shattered into a mess of disapointment and loss. And now, the grey is the only thing I can count on. The only thing I am sure of, is that everything is unsure. Everything is uncertain and everything changes. Life is grey. Always. Full of transitions and life altering moments. Its full of suprises and unexpected heartbreak. And I think if we embrace the grey, we find that life is also full of unexpected joy and suprising fufillment. Living life on the blurry, fuzzy lines, is the only way to find ourselves and experiences that change us forever. We can choose to live in the grey and flourish.
"Change is inevitable, progress is optional."
Why are we so uncomfortable in the grey? Its uncertain. Fuzzy. A place where insecurities grow and the lines of concrete rational facts become blurred. Perhaps a place where swirls live.
My whole life, I hated the grey. Despised it. Wished the grey didnt exist. I liked things in a box. I liked things I could see and feel. The facts. Something solid. Stable. Something certain. Something that I could know that without a doubt, was true. Black and white.
What Ive realized over the last year......is that black and white appeared safe. The concrete box with a bow on it was appealing. It was appealing because it gave me a sense of security and comfort. The box allowed mee to live in a world where everything was certain. And if anything came along that threatened my solid lines and black and white box, i rejected it. Rejected the feelings that come with uncertainty.The worry, anxiety, fear. Because those feelings suck. They are uncomfortable and can end in hurt....disapointment.....rejection......sadness. And so I stuck with my box and black and white thinking.
And over a year ago, my concrete solid box blew up and glittered the sky with all the shades of grey. When I broke off my engagement and fell in love with a woman, my whole life was shattered into a million peices of grey uncertaintity. I hated the grey even more than I ever had before. I thought I had my whole life figured out, and BAM, I knew nothing. I had no clue what I wanted. I had no clue who I was. Was I gay, straight, bisexual? Did I want a safe box or an exciting adventure? Did I want kids....a family? Was I responsible or spontaeous? Was I both? Did I want all of the things I thought I worked towards my entire life......or did I want something I never imagined? I had no clue. I was lost in the grey.
And now, I find myself thriving in the grey. So strange. The grey that i avoided and rejected for so long, has become a place of excitement. A place where anything is possible. The grey is now the place that feels safe. Because before, when I thought my life was solid and concrere, it shattered into a mess of disapointment and loss. And now, the grey is the only thing I can count on. The only thing I am sure of, is that everything is unsure. Everything is uncertain and everything changes. Life is grey. Always. Full of transitions and life altering moments. Its full of suprises and unexpected heartbreak. And I think if we embrace the grey, we find that life is also full of unexpected joy and suprising fufillment. Living life on the blurry, fuzzy lines, is the only way to find ourselves and experiences that change us forever. We can choose to live in the grey and flourish.
"Change is inevitable, progress is optional."
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
"Either put it on the table or under the rug."
My friend recently gave me this analogy and it got me thinking......when do we decide to put things "on the table" or instead choose to sweep it "under the rug?" I think this analogy can be applied to a wide variety of situations. Maybe we are choosing to speak or minds at work.....or simply keep our mouth shut to keep our job. Maybe we are choosing to communicate something of importance to our partner.....or let it go to avoid a fight or argument. Or maybe its choosing to tell the waitress we did NOT want tomato on our sandwich.....or just remove the tomato ourself so we dont risk annoying the waitress.
In all those situations, how do we decide if we speak up, communicate, stand our ground.....or keep our thoughts to ourself? I think putting it "under the rug" can serve a purpose, but its more immediate kind of benefits. You avoid work drama, an argument with a partner, or discomfort of the waitress rolling her eyes when you return the food. Sweeping it under the rug is avoidance. My mother always told me to "pick my battles" and basically that its not worth mentioning every little thing that bothers us. That we need to let go of some things and choose the moments when we take a stand or express ourself. Now that I think about it, thats a very powerful statement. It implies that only SOME of our thoughts and feelings are valid and worth being heard. It implies that its better to avoid than to confront. Better to smush our thoughts and feelings down to avoid. We may get temporary relief by avoidance, but ultimately, the thing is still under the rug. And the more we hide under the rug, the bigger it gets, and inevitably it spills out. Or we trip in the bump on the rug.
For me, Ive always been a master avoider. Ive perfected the art of avoiding all things uncomfortable or anxiety provoking. And although it provided immediate relief, it has ultimately led me to avoid life. Avoid risks. Avoid pain. But in the process, I also avoided happiness and fufillment. And over the last year or so, Ive tried to put myself out there more. Take risks. Stand my ground. Speak my mind. Be honest with myself and others. And in return, the universe has rewarded me with new experiences and feelings of joy I never had before. So, I guess, I started putting everything on the table. And I tried to stop being so hard on myself for what happened after I "put it on the table." Sometimes, when you put things on the table, people eat it. Or they push it away. Or ignore it. Or throw it on the floor.
I guess for me, Ive decided its better to take the risk and the discomfort of putting it on the table. Its better than hiding things under the rug to creep out later. So, what will you put on the table today?
My friend recently gave me this analogy and it got me thinking......when do we decide to put things "on the table" or instead choose to sweep it "under the rug?" I think this analogy can be applied to a wide variety of situations. Maybe we are choosing to speak or minds at work.....or simply keep our mouth shut to keep our job. Maybe we are choosing to communicate something of importance to our partner.....or let it go to avoid a fight or argument. Or maybe its choosing to tell the waitress we did NOT want tomato on our sandwich.....or just remove the tomato ourself so we dont risk annoying the waitress.
In all those situations, how do we decide if we speak up, communicate, stand our ground.....or keep our thoughts to ourself? I think putting it "under the rug" can serve a purpose, but its more immediate kind of benefits. You avoid work drama, an argument with a partner, or discomfort of the waitress rolling her eyes when you return the food. Sweeping it under the rug is avoidance. My mother always told me to "pick my battles" and basically that its not worth mentioning every little thing that bothers us. That we need to let go of some things and choose the moments when we take a stand or express ourself. Now that I think about it, thats a very powerful statement. It implies that only SOME of our thoughts and feelings are valid and worth being heard. It implies that its better to avoid than to confront. Better to smush our thoughts and feelings down to avoid. We may get temporary relief by avoidance, but ultimately, the thing is still under the rug. And the more we hide under the rug, the bigger it gets, and inevitably it spills out. Or we trip in the bump on the rug.
For me, Ive always been a master avoider. Ive perfected the art of avoiding all things uncomfortable or anxiety provoking. And although it provided immediate relief, it has ultimately led me to avoid life. Avoid risks. Avoid pain. But in the process, I also avoided happiness and fufillment. And over the last year or so, Ive tried to put myself out there more. Take risks. Stand my ground. Speak my mind. Be honest with myself and others. And in return, the universe has rewarded me with new experiences and feelings of joy I never had before. So, I guess, I started putting everything on the table. And I tried to stop being so hard on myself for what happened after I "put it on the table." Sometimes, when you put things on the table, people eat it. Or they push it away. Or ignore it. Or throw it on the floor.
I guess for me, Ive decided its better to take the risk and the discomfort of putting it on the table. Its better than hiding things under the rug to creep out later. So, what will you put on the table today?
Monday, June 10, 2013
Recently, in my job as a therapist, I have felt complacent and apathetic at times. However, we recently had 2 interns start working with us. It has been a bizarre experience. Someone else taking notes on what I say. Someone else watching my "counselor skills" and hoping to learn what its like in the "real world." Someone else that seems so fresh and motivated and eager to learn the ropes.
Suddenly I felt less-than. I felt like an imposter. Like someone trying to be a therapist. Trying to be therapeutic all the time. Pretending to put on my counselor hat and apply all my so called "skills" so this intern would see how magnicifant and fufilling this field should be.
I started spending some time with this eager, motivated, bright eyed intern. It became a thought provoking and inspiring interaction. She was so excited. So invested and in the moment. So therapeutic and wanting to change lives. She came to me one day about an idea for group. She came to me akward, excited, nervous, and very much looking for my approval.
She presented an idea to me about a group she wanted to do with the kids. A group inspired by a TED talk she had seen. When i told her i had never heard of TED talks she was shocked and immediately gushed about the inspiring people they showcase. The one she wanted to use for group was titled "everything I need to know about life I learned in a mental hospital." It was about the "superman capes" we all wear daily. Capes that hide whats really going on with us. Masks. It was about the automated response we give people when they ask, "How are you"....."fine how are you?" The video talked about the face we present the world and the inner demons we struggle with. The things we hide under our capes.
In the video the speaker mentioned one of her heroes, Brene Brown, who coincidentally had recently become one of my favorite authors/researchers/motivational gurus. I had read two of her books, "The gifts of Imperfection," & "I thought it was just me") after they were lovingly given to me from a friend that told me they changed her life. I kept those books for months and months after I borrowed them, not ready to give back the inspiring messages and thought provoking research. Reluctantly, I gave back the borrowed books and in turn, pushed the messages and thoughts to the shelf labeled "dont go there" in my head.
After hearing her name mentioned again during this TED talk, I instantly watched a video of Brene Brown. For those of you unfamiliar, Brene is a shame researcher. She has documented years of research on shame, which she refers to as the "epidemic" of our country. In the video, she discussed a topic in her book that had resonated personally with me in the past. The difference between shame and guilt. Shame is "im a bad person," where guilt is "I made a bad choice." Guilt has been proven to produce behavior change where shame only causes more bad behavior and thinking. Shame in fact, has been linked directly to depression, anxiety and an ongoing cycle of unhealthy choices.
The idea of shame vs guilt had been new to me and I had an "AH HA!" moment when I realized I never felt guilt in the past, only shame storms. My shame storms had consistently ruled my life and contributed to feeling less than and not good enough which in turn led to poor choices and unhealthy behaviors. Ironically, after understanding the role of shame in my life, I put it back in a secret shameful box, and forgot about it. Until today. And I got to thinking, why am I still letting shame consume me? After all, I had all the facts and read all the research that shame was unhealthy and detrimental. Why couldnt I stop feeling bad about myself and simply choose to throw shame away and embrace myself with love and self acceptance?
"The questions are complicated but the anwser is simple." (Dr. Suess) The anwser is that self acceptance is hard and we dont want to believe we are good enough. Because we train ourselves for years and years to hate and judge ourselves. We spend years trying to impress people and present to the world our protective "capes" and "masks" because its easier than being vulnerable and exposed. We spend years trying to conform to society and the norms set within our own families. We spend years trying to gain acceptance from EVERYONE around us when ultimately, the one person we crave and need acceptance from..... is ourself.
Everyday, I struggle with my own shame. Feelings of shame, worthlessness, insecurities and feeling less than. Most days I call all of those things "having a bad day" or "being hard on myself." But the reality is that those feelings infilitrate every aspect of my life every day. Im not good enough. Im not a good enough therapist, lover, friend, daughter or sister. Im not worthy of good things because "Im a bad person." (Shame) . Im a bad person because Im emotional, and swirly and insecure. Bad because Im messy and dont close cabinets or dresser drawers. Im bad because I dont pay my bills on time and struggle financially. Im bad because I dont see my nephew as much as I should or call my father regularly. Bad because I made poor, hurtful decisions in the past that affected people I loved. The list goes on and on.
I think we all struggle with those shame storms and for each of us, the shame comes from different histories and messages we recieved as children. From parents, teachers, peers and relationships. And although our shame may come from different places, the solution is the same. Brene identifies the antedote for shame as empathy and vulnerability. The cure for shame is embracing vulnerability and taking emotional risks. Exposing ourselves. Embracing uncertaintity. And having the courage to tell our stories.
One of my favorite quotes from Brene Is "owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." Although I attempted to "own" my story and share it with loved ones, I realize more now than ever, I need to make myself even more vulnerable. Take emotional risks and expose myself. AND find a way to love and accept myself through that process. For me, that means finding one small thing a day that I can love and accept about myself and my story. And today, I choose to leave all the cabinet and dress drawers open. And smile and laugh at myself every time I almost break a leg or bang my head against it. Because maybe, maybe leaving things open is part of who I am and represent something philisophical like I have an open mind and heart. Or, perhaps Im lazy and enjoy the potential for hurting myself with open doors. Or I have a hard time with "closure." But, that sounds like Im leaning back into shame and negative thinking, so, for today, I choose to leave all the doors open. And love and accept that about myself.
What do you choose to love and accept about yourself today?
Suddenly I felt less-than. I felt like an imposter. Like someone trying to be a therapist. Trying to be therapeutic all the time. Pretending to put on my counselor hat and apply all my so called "skills" so this intern would see how magnicifant and fufilling this field should be.
I started spending some time with this eager, motivated, bright eyed intern. It became a thought provoking and inspiring interaction. She was so excited. So invested and in the moment. So therapeutic and wanting to change lives. She came to me one day about an idea for group. She came to me akward, excited, nervous, and very much looking for my approval.
She presented an idea to me about a group she wanted to do with the kids. A group inspired by a TED talk she had seen. When i told her i had never heard of TED talks she was shocked and immediately gushed about the inspiring people they showcase. The one she wanted to use for group was titled "everything I need to know about life I learned in a mental hospital." It was about the "superman capes" we all wear daily. Capes that hide whats really going on with us. Masks. It was about the automated response we give people when they ask, "How are you"....."fine how are you?" The video talked about the face we present the world and the inner demons we struggle with. The things we hide under our capes.
In the video the speaker mentioned one of her heroes, Brene Brown, who coincidentally had recently become one of my favorite authors/researchers/motivational gurus. I had read two of her books, "The gifts of Imperfection," & "I thought it was just me") after they were lovingly given to me from a friend that told me they changed her life. I kept those books for months and months after I borrowed them, not ready to give back the inspiring messages and thought provoking research. Reluctantly, I gave back the borrowed books and in turn, pushed the messages and thoughts to the shelf labeled "dont go there" in my head.
After hearing her name mentioned again during this TED talk, I instantly watched a video of Brene Brown. For those of you unfamiliar, Brene is a shame researcher. She has documented years of research on shame, which she refers to as the "epidemic" of our country. In the video, she discussed a topic in her book that had resonated personally with me in the past. The difference between shame and guilt. Shame is "im a bad person," where guilt is "I made a bad choice." Guilt has been proven to produce behavior change where shame only causes more bad behavior and thinking. Shame in fact, has been linked directly to depression, anxiety and an ongoing cycle of unhealthy choices.
The idea of shame vs guilt had been new to me and I had an "AH HA!" moment when I realized I never felt guilt in the past, only shame storms. My shame storms had consistently ruled my life and contributed to feeling less than and not good enough which in turn led to poor choices and unhealthy behaviors. Ironically, after understanding the role of shame in my life, I put it back in a secret shameful box, and forgot about it. Until today. And I got to thinking, why am I still letting shame consume me? After all, I had all the facts and read all the research that shame was unhealthy and detrimental. Why couldnt I stop feeling bad about myself and simply choose to throw shame away and embrace myself with love and self acceptance?
"The questions are complicated but the anwser is simple." (Dr. Suess) The anwser is that self acceptance is hard and we dont want to believe we are good enough. Because we train ourselves for years and years to hate and judge ourselves. We spend years trying to impress people and present to the world our protective "capes" and "masks" because its easier than being vulnerable and exposed. We spend years trying to conform to society and the norms set within our own families. We spend years trying to gain acceptance from EVERYONE around us when ultimately, the one person we crave and need acceptance from..... is ourself.
Everyday, I struggle with my own shame. Feelings of shame, worthlessness, insecurities and feeling less than. Most days I call all of those things "having a bad day" or "being hard on myself." But the reality is that those feelings infilitrate every aspect of my life every day. Im not good enough. Im not a good enough therapist, lover, friend, daughter or sister. Im not worthy of good things because "Im a bad person." (Shame) . Im a bad person because Im emotional, and swirly and insecure. Bad because Im messy and dont close cabinets or dresser drawers. Im bad because I dont pay my bills on time and struggle financially. Im bad because I dont see my nephew as much as I should or call my father regularly. Bad because I made poor, hurtful decisions in the past that affected people I loved. The list goes on and on.
I think we all struggle with those shame storms and for each of us, the shame comes from different histories and messages we recieved as children. From parents, teachers, peers and relationships. And although our shame may come from different places, the solution is the same. Brene identifies the antedote for shame as empathy and vulnerability. The cure for shame is embracing vulnerability and taking emotional risks. Exposing ourselves. Embracing uncertaintity. And having the courage to tell our stories.
One of my favorite quotes from Brene Is "owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." Although I attempted to "own" my story and share it with loved ones, I realize more now than ever, I need to make myself even more vulnerable. Take emotional risks and expose myself. AND find a way to love and accept myself through that process. For me, that means finding one small thing a day that I can love and accept about myself and my story. And today, I choose to leave all the cabinet and dress drawers open. And smile and laugh at myself every time I almost break a leg or bang my head against it. Because maybe, maybe leaving things open is part of who I am and represent something philisophical like I have an open mind and heart. Or, perhaps Im lazy and enjoy the potential for hurting myself with open doors. Or I have a hard time with "closure." But, that sounds like Im leaning back into shame and negative thinking, so, for today, I choose to leave all the doors open. And love and accept that about myself.
What do you choose to love and accept about yourself today?
Friday, June 7, 2013
My intention in writing has always been honesty. Exposure. Revealing my true self. And I feel strongly that although my history does not define me, it has shaped and molded me im ways that even I cannot begin to understand. So, I think its only fair I provide a little history of my experiences that have led me to my life today.
The last year and a half of my life has been more influencial than any other time period I have experienced. Sure, the teenage years and the beginning of "adulthood" were tough, but ultimately they were nothing compared to the earth shattering, mind blowing, life altering phase I recently encountered over the past 1 1/2 years.
I am going to attempt to summarize this time the best I can to provide a foundation for the growth and change I have experienced during this time.
In december of 2011, I was in a seemingly stable and exciting time in my life. I was working at my ideal job, just bought a house, and was engaged to my partner of 8 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life. My life was wrapped up in a pretty little box with a bow on it. That month, I endured something that would forever change my life. I fell in love with a woman. I called off my wedding and my entire life as I knew it was changed. I spent the next 8 months of my life attempting to grieve the loss of my relationship and the life I had built. I spent time exploring my new found sexuality and exploring what it meant to me to be in love with a woman. For months, the word "gay" or "lesbian" felt taboo. It felt wrong and uncomfortable. I wasnt gay and I wasnt straight. I tried on the label of "bisexual" but ultimately that never fit either.
I became consumed with this woman that had changed my life. We began to build our own life together. In the blink of an eye, I had introduced her to my family and friends. We moved in together and talked about our future of marriage and babies. I thought I was starting a chapter of a very new, different life.
Rapidly, that relationship deteriorated with hurtful lies and misconceptions. The new partner I perceived as my soulmate, the person that completely turned my life upside down, turned out to be the most difficult life lesson. Within a month, my "new" life was again completely turned upside down. I was lost, confused, heartbroken and down right angry.
I spent the next few months struggling and barely functioning through life. I was a hot mess. I temporarily stayed with my just married best friend and I leaned on my closest friends and family for support. I will forever be more grateful than words can express for the support i recieved during that time in my life. I was especially lucky to have one person that was a constant support during my swirls and need to process. The universe must have taken some pity on me because through that break up, I developed a forever friendship with the one person that could relate to my experience like no one else could. Someone from the same island that jumped in the life raft with me.
Day by day, I moved from barely functioning to survivng. I moved from drowning to treading water. And eventually I started swimming again. My very loving, supportive but "deal with it and move on" sisters told me I only had one year from the time of my original downfall to "get my shit together." They very lovingly told me that I needed to make good choices, move on, and get my shit together. No more wallowing. No more avoiding or making excuses. Time to accept where I was at in my life and make concrete changes to better my future and my self.
And so I did. I got my shit together. I moved into my own apartment. (About a mile from my best friend). I got my dog back.I started taking care of myself again and didnt spent every waking moment dwelling on the past and the misery i had encountered over the last year. I reclaimed restaurants and songs that reminded me of previous relationships. I re-invested myself in work and started to take steps towards future goals. I spent time with loved ones and started to re define my own life. Just for me. Redefined what it meant to be single at age 28. Redefined my entire life and what I thought it was "supposed" to look like. I started dating someone amazing and allowed myself to open my heart again to new people and experiences. I started to flourish.
And now, on this day, I continue to flourish. I also continue to struggle with my sexuality, my choices, and the life I am trying to build for myself.For everyday I make progress, I take 2 steps.....sometimes 10 steps back. And then I take a leap forward. I try to fight avoidance and apathy and move towards motivation and fufillment. Every day, I attempt to balance friends, family, work and a new relationship. I attempt to process my insecurities and isssues, and I try to take tiny minature steps towards something better. Steps to accept myself and where i am at in this exact moment, and steps to overcome avoidance and the easy way out. I want it all, and I know I am completely in charge of that and deserve that. So, one day at a time....one minute one second at a time I walk towards that. I walk towards acceptance and setbacks and goals...and my future.
Who wants to join me?
The last year and a half of my life has been more influencial than any other time period I have experienced. Sure, the teenage years and the beginning of "adulthood" were tough, but ultimately they were nothing compared to the earth shattering, mind blowing, life altering phase I recently encountered over the past 1 1/2 years.
I am going to attempt to summarize this time the best I can to provide a foundation for the growth and change I have experienced during this time.
In december of 2011, I was in a seemingly stable and exciting time in my life. I was working at my ideal job, just bought a house, and was engaged to my partner of 8 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life. My life was wrapped up in a pretty little box with a bow on it. That month, I endured something that would forever change my life. I fell in love with a woman. I called off my wedding and my entire life as I knew it was changed. I spent the next 8 months of my life attempting to grieve the loss of my relationship and the life I had built. I spent time exploring my new found sexuality and exploring what it meant to me to be in love with a woman. For months, the word "gay" or "lesbian" felt taboo. It felt wrong and uncomfortable. I wasnt gay and I wasnt straight. I tried on the label of "bisexual" but ultimately that never fit either.
I became consumed with this woman that had changed my life. We began to build our own life together. In the blink of an eye, I had introduced her to my family and friends. We moved in together and talked about our future of marriage and babies. I thought I was starting a chapter of a very new, different life.
Rapidly, that relationship deteriorated with hurtful lies and misconceptions. The new partner I perceived as my soulmate, the person that completely turned my life upside down, turned out to be the most difficult life lesson. Within a month, my "new" life was again completely turned upside down. I was lost, confused, heartbroken and down right angry.
I spent the next few months struggling and barely functioning through life. I was a hot mess. I temporarily stayed with my just married best friend and I leaned on my closest friends and family for support. I will forever be more grateful than words can express for the support i recieved during that time in my life. I was especially lucky to have one person that was a constant support during my swirls and need to process. The universe must have taken some pity on me because through that break up, I developed a forever friendship with the one person that could relate to my experience like no one else could. Someone from the same island that jumped in the life raft with me.
Day by day, I moved from barely functioning to survivng. I moved from drowning to treading water. And eventually I started swimming again. My very loving, supportive but "deal with it and move on" sisters told me I only had one year from the time of my original downfall to "get my shit together." They very lovingly told me that I needed to make good choices, move on, and get my shit together. No more wallowing. No more avoiding or making excuses. Time to accept where I was at in my life and make concrete changes to better my future and my self.
And so I did. I got my shit together. I moved into my own apartment. (About a mile from my best friend). I got my dog back.I started taking care of myself again and didnt spent every waking moment dwelling on the past and the misery i had encountered over the last year. I reclaimed restaurants and songs that reminded me of previous relationships. I re-invested myself in work and started to take steps towards future goals. I spent time with loved ones and started to re define my own life. Just for me. Redefined what it meant to be single at age 28. Redefined my entire life and what I thought it was "supposed" to look like. I started dating someone amazing and allowed myself to open my heart again to new people and experiences. I started to flourish.
And now, on this day, I continue to flourish. I also continue to struggle with my sexuality, my choices, and the life I am trying to build for myself.For everyday I make progress, I take 2 steps.....sometimes 10 steps back. And then I take a leap forward. I try to fight avoidance and apathy and move towards motivation and fufillment. Every day, I attempt to balance friends, family, work and a new relationship. I attempt to process my insecurities and isssues, and I try to take tiny minature steps towards something better. Steps to accept myself and where i am at in this exact moment, and steps to overcome avoidance and the easy way out. I want it all, and I know I am completely in charge of that and deserve that. So, one day at a time....one minute one second at a time I walk towards that. I walk towards acceptance and setbacks and goals...and my future.
Who wants to join me?
So, I have often thought about starting a blog. And then, I would think to myself, "what the hell would I blog about? What do I have to say that people want to hear? What makes ME qualified? What am I an expert in? What words of wisdom do I have to share? And what would my super awesome blogger name be?"
Well. The anwser to all of those questions is....I dont know. But, I do know I have plenty of thoughts and opinions that I want to share with the world. And Im pretty sure Im as "qualified" as any blogger out there. You know why? Im human. And my life experiences are relatable. And entertaining. So, the purpose of this blog? To share my experiences and my hilarities. To express myself. To expose my inner thoughts and experiences. Its a blog about honesty. Learning. Growing. Sharing. Life and love and maybe some crafts. And wine :)
Im not really sure if I got my "blogger" username/identification/label/title right......but I went with "swirlymotivation." Heres why: Ive always been swirly but never quite had the word for it until recently. "Swirly" in the past has been defined by my family as "kathleen mode." It means irrational. A swirl of thoughts and feelings. Hyperness and inattention. Avoidng the truth and concrete facts. Being emotional and overly dramatic. Exaggerating. Silly. Feeling like my brain is in swirls although there is something concrete and solid in the foundation. Swirly is when i experience something and dive into it head first. Swirly is letting every emotion and thought consume me. Its insecurities and its giving into being vulnerable and exposed. The "motivation" part was a ploy on my end to convince myself and potential readers that a narrative of my experiences are motivating, relatable and inspiring.
So, this is the start. The start of sharing. The start of a challenge and adventure. The start of putting myself out there. The start of a new chapter. Join me :)
Well. The anwser to all of those questions is....I dont know. But, I do know I have plenty of thoughts and opinions that I want to share with the world. And Im pretty sure Im as "qualified" as any blogger out there. You know why? Im human. And my life experiences are relatable. And entertaining. So, the purpose of this blog? To share my experiences and my hilarities. To express myself. To expose my inner thoughts and experiences. Its a blog about honesty. Learning. Growing. Sharing. Life and love and maybe some crafts. And wine :)
Im not really sure if I got my "blogger" username/identification/label/title right......but I went with "swirlymotivation." Heres why: Ive always been swirly but never quite had the word for it until recently. "Swirly" in the past has been defined by my family as "kathleen mode." It means irrational. A swirl of thoughts and feelings. Hyperness and inattention. Avoidng the truth and concrete facts. Being emotional and overly dramatic. Exaggerating. Silly. Feeling like my brain is in swirls although there is something concrete and solid in the foundation. Swirly is when i experience something and dive into it head first. Swirly is letting every emotion and thought consume me. Its insecurities and its giving into being vulnerable and exposed. The "motivation" part was a ploy on my end to convince myself and potential readers that a narrative of my experiences are motivating, relatable and inspiring.
So, this is the start. The start of sharing. The start of a challenge and adventure. The start of putting myself out there. The start of a new chapter. Join me :)
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